This past month I ended a relationship with somebody who I really admired, one of my comedy idols.
I can't do unhealthy friendships anymore. That's what I get for looking up to a chronic substance abuser. For me, my whole life has been about facing my personal short comings and dealing with those issues head on, so I've finally realized that looking up to a basehead has negated my own principles. I can't do it anymore.
For me, I bring trust, faith, loyalty, honesty, laughter and some other great qualities to a friendship.
I can't do lies, selfishness, self-centeredness, and that other self serving bullshit.
I guess that's why I'm so guarded and rarely let anyone in anymore. Don't get me wrong, I'm not jaded by failed friendships and I still very much believe in the goodness of people, I just finally stopped taking everything for face value.
Really, the only way to get to know somebody is by spending time with them, which is why I think so many marriages don't work out, because like friendships, you really don't know someone until you've seen their good side and bad side.
I think idols are important because they remind us of the people we want to be & as it turns out, I was looking up to the wrong person the whole time, so now it's time for me to be the person I've always looked up to and be my own hero, minus all the bullshit.
Today is pay day and I'm also getting myself out of debt today so I totally decided to eat like a pig. I know some are you are asking yourselves, "how would that be different from any other day" ??? It wouldn't. xoxoxo
I had a long work week and will going into another stretch tomorrow. Now that I work 9 hour days it's really hard to make time for exercise. Let me get my bills paid and then I'll look for something better in the East Bay side.
Today is my day off & the only thing I want to do is relax.
We went to see Amy Schumer's, "Trainwreck" , and it was too long. I think, "Bridesmaid" , may have created a new genre of raunchy women's comedy that might be hard to live up to. We also recently saw Melissa MaCarthy's, "Spy" , movie and that was a bad follow up too.
- peanut butter & honey sandwich
- movie pizza
- movie popcorn
- big slush
- mini beefy ques from Taco Bell
- meximelt from Taco Bell
- nachos from Taco Bell
- homemade nachos
- 3 cookies
I really do enjoy entertaining people and not to mention, I'm pretty good at it, so I'm going to continue to remain positive, keep my chin up and keep plucking away at being the mega-star that I was born to be because, "its my destiny to triumph magnificently on Jeopardy" ! (White Men Can't Jump)
The world is ready is for a big time FAGGOT comedian and that silly bitch is going to be me!! xoxo
After 3 years of battling respiratory problems, the swine flu, pneumonia, a sinus infection, depression, weight gain, losing my voice & being misdiagnosed as a diabetic and having high anxiety, I'm finally feeling better.
A couple years ago when this all started, I use to wake up in my sleep from shortness of breath and now finally, it stopped.
The last ER doctor I saw put me on the asthma ventilator and prescribed me some presnidone to take down the swelling in my throat and that did the trick.
As I began to get sick, I would frequently lose my breath in my sleep, I kept thinking to myself that every time I stopped breathing in my sleep that it was going to be my last breath and I wasn't ready to die.
About 2 years ago, I caught the swine flu and I didn't know it. That swine flu snuck up me because I was just getting over a sinus infection. The wheezing from the swine flu was unbearable. My first swine flu symptoms occurred in L.A., I just got through visiting Wesley in Arizona and was coming back from Las Vegas, which is where I'm sure I picked it up from, the penny slots. When I got to L.A., the symptoms began to kick in so I went to grocery store at 4am in the morning to buy some over the counter congestion medicine, what I didn't know was that my symptoms were so far progressed that it caused that over the counter medicine to give me really bad heart palpitations. When I finally got home and made it to the ER, that's when they found fluid in my lungs.
This was around the time when the doctors informed me that I was pre-diabetic, which was odd for me because diabetes doesn't run in my family and I've always been active. I guess my immune system was so tired fighting the flu & pneumonia that it left my sugar levels out of whack.
When I got home from L.A. And went to the ER, I had a good cry & let out all the emotional pain I was going thru.
Present time, I knew I wasn't completely healed because I still had minor wheezing in my lungs so the docs gave me an inhaler. This went on for quite some time, the small lingering noticeable wheez. Then by chance, I got sick again last month and lost my voice. Maybe that was a great thing because that's when I got those steroids to reduce the swelling in my throat, those pills helped reduce the leftover swelling in my lungs and I've been sleeping like a baby ever since.
I'm just glad it's over. Thie stress of the sickness caused me to grow a couple grey hairs, that and being 40 too.
Today I want to celebrate being a survivor and hanging in there. I can't think of a better way to do it than with a bowl of my favorite spicy ramen & Thai boba tea.
I really feel like, if I try to lose weight just to attract men that I will be a sell out of my virtues, my self worth & my self-respect. This is also why I'll never pay for a gay hooker.
Call me old fashioned but I'm still a firm believer in love.
I resent the fact that I was raised in a generation where Gay men could only feel intimacy with other men in bath houses, bathrooms, the bushes, truck stops, adult arcades or any other seedy places of ill repute. I did fall into that bath house trap back in the 90's when I needed that instant gratification.
Now that I'm 41, I'm just now discovering how AIDS Activist Larry Kramer uttered these same sentiments on being Gay and trying to find love in the 80's. Larry said the reason why we live in the generation of AIDS is because theres no love.
Well I got news from everyone. I've been carrying the torch for love my whole life and will keep carrying it for as long as I can. I'm a firm believer in that magical chemistry that two people can have between each other, I just only wish that I could truly experience it the way everyone dreams about.
A while ago when I waited tables in a restaurant, I did attract a nice Salvadorian man to me but he was too young. I didn't want to ruin him so I stayed away. When we went on a movie date, he wanted me to sit way in the back with him and I guess, was waiting for me to bust a move.
The next day after the movie when I saw him at work, he teased me by saying that I was upset with him because I didn't get any play from him that night.
I just remember turning to him and saying, "muthafucka, if I wanted play from you I would've gotten it from you already" . I did see him again recently and he was still looking good.
I really hope I get to meet somebody like that again but around my age.
I have another friend who believes that his friends are his lovers, thats a nice sentiment but I personally like to keep my friends as friends and my lovers as lovers.
I did try to give my number to this cutie who worked at Fishermans Wharf but I haven't seen him around in a while, I think he changed jobs. As you guys can see, I'm still trying.
I really don't know tomorrow will bring, I just hope whoever he turns out to be, that he treats me good and has a big one.
The left side of my stomach hurts today, it almost like it wants to cramp. Yesterday I did cramp up on the trolley. I guess I've been neglecting my body so much from physical exercise that it's starting to show.
On the positive side, my breathing has gotten much better. The medication I took when I lost my voice really helped my throat heal, I guess it was inflamed all this time. And I'm sleeping a lot better too! I love my rest!