Every now & then I have to let my green eye show because it keeps me grounded, it reminds me of what I have and what I don't have, and sometimes it helps me grow if I can somehow get it out of my system.
Theres a National comic coming to SF to perform and hes having a pretty good career. To be honest, I don't really follow his act because he doesn't do it for but that shouldn't suggest he isn't good because he is, he just not someone who I idolize.
So heres my beef, I did an industry showcase with this comic back in 2005 and he got pulled for the final showcase, where as I, like other comics on the showcase didn't get pick & got dusted.
From that point on, he started popping up more in the biz and he got some pretty great career opportunities.
I couldn't help but wonder if I got pulled for the final showcase if I would have gotten the same opportunities, you know, the shoulda, coulda, woulda's - probably not.
I'm not trying to sound negative but selling myself as a queer Native comedian in the 00's didn't get me very far, the mainstream network executives just didn't bite.
And thats when my talent threshold/ego took its first hit. I kept telling myself to forge ahead and that I'll get the right opportunities.
Somewhere in 2007 I got my date with destiny and filmed my first stand up for the LOGO. My comedy clip originally got cut from the first 8 episodes and it got put into a special. (I got this opportunity because I went looking for it, I pro-actively searched for it and sold my act to the right people)
There is where I began to pick my own fate. My real fame came from downloading my LOGO podcast onto my youtube channel and my video went viral within the Native American online communities.
That clip also got me booked on America's Got Talent but what I didn't know was that I was being brought in to get boo'ed down.
In the mean time, I kept hustling for gigs and did all my own promo because no talent agency would sign me on.
Although I did get one response from a major agency in L.A. and I quote, "there is a market but for the right Gay Native American comedian" .
In short, it wasn't me.
While this was all happening, I didn't let it get to me. I kept writing and did my some of my best stand up from 2008 - 2011 !!
And now, I think all the rejection has taken its toll on me because I don't write and perform like I use to.
I thought the craft would've gotten easier over time but its still very challenging, at least for me, writing jokes takes a certain finesse and it takes a lot of work to get it going.
And then, last year I turned into a Drag Comedian. I really have no idea where that came from. It just sort've happened.
Getting back to that guy who went on to have a real career and others like him. I'm going to bet his material got stronger because of his opportunities, he had bigger reasons to write for, hence more motivation to write. Meanwhile, I kept writing for the same indifferent low life degenerate open mic crowds, its kind of hard to find your following when the most interesting thing to an open mic crowd is the bathroom code on the open mic sign up sheet.
And oh yeah, when this comic did some surprise appearances around the Bay, my peers flipped out when they saw him working out an open mics in SF.
But yet, these muthaf*cka's get me every night and I've proven myself to them on stage, night after night, no respect. I get no love because I'm a faggot comedian, the same dismissive attitude I received from those network talent execs.
I actually remember getting irate with this comedy open mic booker because he touted himself on running a shit room and he always bragged no one had ever done well on his stage, and thats when I flashed him and said, "you must not be talking about me because I know I did some pretty phenomenal things on your stage" , of course he didn't have shit to say back because he knew I was right.
Can I put the demise of my success on my sexuality, absolutely. Gay Marriage because didn't become a National debate until 2004, which is when I started comedy. So the idea of anything gay in the mainstream wasn't going to happen anytime soon. The mainstream consciousness was still getting use of anything Gay i.e. Will and Grace. (gay film/television propaganda) And plus the usual hetero assholes leaving during my sets was another indicator of the political mood.
I did a radio interview for an older Native friend a while back and she called me a trailblazer. She was so right. So this is what it feels like to be trailblazer, its sucks. I would've hoped my trailblazing skill would've gotten me a lot more work.
Well, with all the bullshit that I've been thru I should just walk away but I can't. I've been doing this comedy job for 12 years and I'm no quitter. And plus, as it turned out, I'm kind of good at this too.
I think whats made me so thick skinned for this business is my rejection junkie skill. I know when I get rejected, its not the end of the world. I will always have many many positive reasons to keep forging a head, I just have to sit down, write jokes, make a game plan and enact it, the rest will take care of itself.
And plus this psychic lady also said that I would make it but its going to take a while, so until then I remain in repose, just like these ballerina's below, so talented and waiting to put on a great show.