Saturday, December 27, 2014


For me, 2014 was definitely the year of restraint.

I'm definitely not the same person I was in show business from back in 2003.

I can gladly now say, "this ain't my first gay rodeo" . (thanks for that line Chris Ferdinandson)

This past year, I had so many chances to pop off on different people, mostly comedians who needed an ego check, but like the older & wiser person I am, I just had to let a lot of that shit go.

Am I going to bring any of the crap up in this blog, uh no.

For 2014, I did the best job I could to keep positive working relationships with Bay Area comics no matter how many times I got screwed over by their usual, "what can you do for me and I won't do nothing for you" , attitudes.

I guess my role in the comedy community has really changed and I have to get use to the role of being a provider of quality stage time.

There is one comment among my haters that really does bother me, I'm starting to get a rep for getting new male comics to do my #HellaGayComedy show with their shirts off.

I can only respond to this statement in one way:

#its #hard #being #a #gay #pimp


Thursday, December 25, 2014

The Interview - Movie Review

This evening we ventured very far, from Oakland to Pittsburg, a lot further than we normally would to see this years most controversial movie, "The Interview" , starring Seth Rogan and James Franco TV.

"The Interview" , is about a news anchor and his producer who get a chance to interview Kim Jong Un of North Korea while the U.S. Government asks them to assassinate him.

The hype of this movie is unexaggerated, many National movie chains decided to forego any screenings after an, "anonymous hacker group warned it intended to target cinemas showing the movie"  . (DW)  North Korea denied any involvement in the hack. (CNN)  

I can see why the North Korean government could view this movie as an act of war, this movie basically lampoons our entire relationship with the North Korea government and their dictator.  But .... the question everyones been asking themselves is whose infringing on who?

Before I get to the movie review, lets take a quick look at some other countries and their rules on free speech.

Jonathan Swift, who is considered the father of modern day sarcasm, famously wrote, "A Modest Proposal" , which is basically a satirical prose about how the Irish should eat their babies to avoid famine.  This piece was written in 1729.  So what I find strange about how satire was invented in the UK but there is a National law that no one can make fun of the Royal family.  WTF ????

In Canada, "The Criminal Code prohibits, 'hate propaganda' ,The Canadian Human Rights Act prohibits discrimination on various grounds, and forbids the posting of hateful or contemptuous messages on the Internet"  . (wikipedia)

In grade school I was taught that the Russian dictatorship of Joseph Stalin was never made to make fun of by their own citizens because reverency was one of their highest morals.  And those dissidents who spoke up were killed off. 

I can think of one country, not going to say who (Tunisia) where four people were killed over the youtube movie, "Innocence of Muslims" .

And thats when America was founded.  Our Bill of Rights pretty much guarantee our basic civil rights to free speech along with many other liberties, even if it comes at the expense of others.  Our U.S. Democratic government is based on checks & balances, our free speech is protected so that no other group or person could ever monopolize our views and opinions. (this is why other countries either love us or hate us)

Our American laws were also created so other regimes could never use fear to intimidate us, even if those bullys would come from our own country, which they have.

Getting back to the question at hand, did, "The Interview" , infringe upon North Korea's political & moral ideals, duh.  But this movie was made in our country, for our citizens, to be viewed and enjoyed in our country.  If other countries don't like the content, they have the option not to show it.

Do we need some kind of world resolution where other countries should be more tolerant and sensitive to other countries moral and political agenda's, yes.

But first, lets make a world resolution for all of those other countries and have them stop committing human rights violations against their own people.

And by the way, the movie was okay if you like dick jokes.

If you guys really want to go see a funny movie, go see, "Dumb & Dumber 2" .


Work Cited:

Christmas Flashback

Its Thursday afternoon and while I patiently wait to go see, "The Interview" , in Pittsburg tonight, here is a quick Christmas memory that I would like to share with you guys.

1995 - Thats when Michelle was living in the Bay Area, she was stationed in Alameda off Coast Guard Island.  I met Michelle thru some friends while living in Albuquerque, New Mexico.

So while Michelle was living here in the Bay, we would hang out and get to know each other really well.  And her girlfriend, Mary would come up from San Diego from time to time to visit when she was enlisted in the Navy.  I also met Mary in Albuquerque.  So anyhoo, on one night when Michelle had to work, me and Mary twirled off to SF to get hammered, this was when I was a big drinker.

I remember us going to the Depot, which was a cruisy leather bar in the Castro, the Depot is no longer there but when it was, it was fun.  The Depot was known for hanging their plastic Christmas trees upside down from the ceiling during the holidays and I remember this one queen commenting about them, "this is very New York" .

That year, me and Mary got fucked up at the Depot.  We hobbled around the Castro getting more and more fucked up and thats when it hit me, "whose going to drive us home"  ?

Like a dumb ass, it eventually ended up being me.

I had some experience drunk driving so I was up for it.  I told myself that I would never do it and somehow I did it many times from 1994 - 1998 without hurting myself or anyone else on the road.
Don't get it twisted, I'm not proud of this feat.

The thing that I remember most about that night was driving carefully driving around the Duboce/S.Van Ness curve ramp in SF.  That had to be the longest curve ever.  I guess when you're drunk, time slows down and what normally would only take 8 seconds to drive around the curve ramp seemed like eternity.

And while the constant loop never seem to end, I remember looking at my co-pilot for help and Mary passed out completely, I knew it was on me to get us back home safely.

We made it home safe that night.

In 1998, thats when I decided to give up the bottle because my life was getting out of hand.

I knew another lady who sobered up because she was involved in a DUI car crash, I'm just grateful I was able to stop before I was able to do harm to other people and myself.

#learning #to #walk #the #red #road

Happy Holidays everyone.


All I want for Christmas is Louis Smith, naked.

All I want for Christmas is Louis Smith, naked.

Louis is a gymnast for the U.K., his specialty is the pommel horse.

Happy Holidays everyone!


Thursday, December 11, 2014

New Gay Acronyms for Texting !!

I've created new gay acronyms for texting:

BP - Bitch Please
HDPD - Homo Don't Play Dat !!
DYLFG - Do You Like Fat Girls?
IH - I'm Hungry
MPATT - My Pants Are Too Tight
WB - Whatever Bitch
TA - Troll Alert
SOC - She's On Crack 
ICFMBP - I Can't Find My Butt Plug
CIBYBP - Can I Borrow Your Butt Plug

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

2014 Year in Review

Hey everyone,
heres my annual year in review.  Before I get into it, I will say that 2014 totally did not end the way I thought it would.

January started off with a couple trips to L.A.  Moms had to see the Eagles at the Forum so I tagged along as the chauffeur.  I also got booked with Nick Staddlers LOL Show in North Hollywood so that gave me some personal time to run around and do some shows.  This was a good one!

When I came home from Arizona in December 2013, my breathing was off and found out that I had picked pneumonia somewhere on the road.  For the next 2 months I was definitely on the mend.  So in order to get better I had to completely cut myself off from anything stress related.

I really wanted to turn #hellagaycomedy into a podcast for 2014 but the timing wasn't right so I decided to carry on with the shows, we started off with the Gang Bang Comedy Show at the Playland Bar in SF and of course I can't do a Hella Gay Show without having some kind of controversy, I had a very politically correct Lesbian friend comment on Facebook that this show title was, "gross" , so I politely responded back to her, "well you know what they say, as long as one lesbian disapproves, everyone else will like it" .

February pretty much sucked.

The month of March gave me a lot to look forward to, especially with Sausage Fest.  I really really love all the support I get from all my straight guy comedian friends in the Bay Area.  I'm pretty sure I'm the only booker, male or female, gay or straight, that can get a bunch of straight guys to perform in their underwear or without their shirts in a gay bar.  I really treasure that special trust that these guys place in me which really means a lot to me, thanks guys.  (but sometimes I secretly think these straight guys only want to do my show so they can say they did it) (I think that makes me some kind of weird gay status symbol)

Heres one of my favorite status updates from March 30:
"just came back home from flirting with the liquor store clerk and got him to give me some free candy. ‪#‎slut‬ ‪#‎skills‬"

In March, yes bitches, I'm still in March, I had really good hair.  I had an umbre faux hawk that grew out really cute.  The hair color and placement was totally my idea.  I had my hair colored & cut by 3 different people to achieve this look and it was all worth it. (did I just quote a Clairol commercial) ???

and heres how it looks from the side ...

fuck you, its my blog ... I love it!

Little did I know that the month of April was going to be super fun.  We planned a family trip to New Mexico for the Gathering of Nations Powwow and I was interested in hosting Stage 49 again but this time I wanted to do it in drag and thats exactly what happened! So working up to that weekend I began prepping my drag persona at the SF open mics and had tons of fun doing it!

Somewhere in the Mohave Valley desert on our road trip to Albuquerque I had this really great idea to take a drag press photo!  OMG, this photo turned out to be one of the most iconic drag photos I have ever taken because as soon as I posted it, several people on Facebook copied that same, "hitchhiking" , pose which I thought that was very #flattering

And when we got to New Mexico for Gathering, heres what all that hard work culminated too!  I just couldn't believe how well I was received by all the people.  I kind of felt like Selena too.  Remember in the movie, "Selena" , when she was in that big stadium and she was paraded around in a horse carriage, well minus all that except the big crowd. #amazing #dreams #do #come #true

May & June were pretty memorable.  I decided that I was burnt out on producing the Hella Gay Shows and I was done.  I planned on finishing out our 4 year run with the SF Gay Pride All Star Comedy Show @ The Magnet, little did I know that I was going to handle over the reigns of the show to Ash Fisher, an up & coming comedian from the East Coast and she was going to carry the #hellagaycomedy flag for a year while I caught my second wind.

This is Lesbian comic extraordinaire - Ash Fisher, what an incredible find.

For our SF Gay Pride All Star Comedy Show I wanted to go all out and give free cake & ice cream to our crowds for supporting our shows over the years.  Heres what our cake looked like:

There is definitely a little theme going on the cake, a gay couple is celebrating their kids birthday with their friends.  (I know, just cute)

In July, I developed an addiction to Ramen noodles. Uhhhhh, so good.

August definitely snuck on me.  Even though I was supposed to be on hiatus from producing shows, in the back of my head, I kept thinking to myself, "why not produce a gay comedy festival, I mean after all, I do have all of the experience and success to pull it off, so why not go for it" ??  So thats exactly what I did.  I enlisted the help of Ash Fisher, Jesus Fuetes, Carrie Avritt, Tommy Arnold, Kimberly Rose Wendt and we went for it and we ended up producing 12 shows in Oakland & San Francisco that were packed out and all well attended! #amazing

Also in August was my moms bday, I had to hook her up with the, "Princess Cake" , from Victoria's Bakery in North Beach. #delish

Finishing out the month of August was a blast, I decided to take my drag persona - Nasty Ass Bitch, to new heights and give a return lap dance performance in Peaches Christ's annual, "Showgirls" , event, I got so many nice compliments on my trash bag outfit.

And thats when she started to come around ... the one and only Margaret Cho!  For September Margaret did a surprise pop in performance at Club Deluxe, which would later lead to her busking for the homeless in SF for November & December! #pretty #cool

Muthafu*ka's, I did not forget October.  I don't really feel like need to post a photo, tell you guys a story or share a funny anecdote for the month of October because well, I'm sure you can tell it was PRETTY FUCKIN GAY just like the other 11 months of 2014.


Saturday, November 29, 2014

Journeys & Friendships

Bizarre, is the only word I can describe for all the relationships I've had with people who've passed in and out of my life.

I really think people are territorial and they will only befriend you if a particular person is or isn't in your life.

For instance, when I was at Haskell, I made friends with this girl named Crystal back in 98.  Later she revealed to me that she did not like the person I was in 97.  She quite in fact hated me and then I was like, "well, if you hated me so much, why did you start coming around and being my friend" ?

In the Spring of 1997, that was my return to Haskell and I had my bestie Jade with me, we rocked Haskell and the City of Lawrence every way we could, on the volleyball court, on the dance floor at Granada and at the plasma center behind McDonald's.  (my point being, we had fun wherever we went)

So when Jade left, thats when Crystal started coming around. (and thats when the boring years began)

That damn Jade had to go back to the Southwest, leaving me in Kansas to fend to for myself.  I was forced to hang out with people who I would not normally hang out with or associate with.  I kept telling myself this that I would have to hang with these people in order to survive the Haskell social system and ultimately get that paper.  

Later, I did reveal to Crystal above that she wasn't my first choice of friends either, I only talked to her because she was friends with Sybil, another gal who eventually gave me grief with her own antics.

Fortunately for me, I never kept to one particular group of people or one type of friend.

Even at Haskell, I kept getting the reputation of, "knowing a lot of people" , when really all I was doing was saying hi to people.

Oh, I am going somewhere with this. (getting there)

This whole thing with switching friends, the coming and going of people, really took its toll on me.

It really made me lonely.

Another friend, Regina Charles, clued me in that it was going to be like this for kids of the Native boarding school system.

I remember her saying, "I'm know we're not going to see it each other later and I'm already going to miss you" .

That really set me up not to keep people to close to me at all because when its time to leave, its easier to go without all the attached feelings.

And so, even today, I'm still going thru my transitions with people, when one relationship ends, somehow other person know when its time to comes into my life and fill that void.

Whenever I post a blog, message, a photo on my Facebook and it gets, "LIKED" , I get to see all of those people who've I've journeyed with in my life, even from some who keep low profiles and say nothing (yes, I see you)

And on days like that, it makes me happy, and it makes me less lonely.


Tuesday, October 14, 2014


November 1st is National - Rock My NDN Hair Day !!!

Please post a photo of your NDN hair to your social pages - Facebook/Twitter/Instagram !!


Friday, October 10, 2014

Being 40 & Sober

Oh gosh, I was just thinking the other day about how me and my ma have been sober for the past 16 years.

How time flys.

Sobering up was one of the best decisions we ever made in our lives.

I can still remember my last drink, it was SF Pride 98 and I got a big gallon of gin to celebrate!

So when enough was enough, I decided that SF Pride 98 was going to be the weekend to start my new journey and took that gallon of gin and poured it entirely out into the kitchen sink.  My mom was standing there and she let out a big smile.  Thats how I knew I was doing the right thing.  My mom eventually sobered up 6 months after I did, her sobriety bday is on New Years.

Thinking back on it, the way I sobered up did a seem a little cliche, like it was a scene right out of the 1986 docu-movie, "The Alkali Lake Story: Victory" . (great movie by the way)

I had another friend who was sober for a while and everyone said she was a complete bitch while she was off the sauce.

Sometimes I think I turned into a bigger bitch when I sobered up.

I remember hanging out at Louises Bar in Lawrence, Kansas., having a Shirley Temple and I was talking to this old flaming Navajo queen named Joey.

We were sitting there chilling and she said, "stop being a bitch"  .

I had to laugh because that really caught me off guard.

Thats what I love about Navajo queens, those bitches will read you when you least expect it and be spot on.

I really remember her talk because she was very sincere about it.

Flash forward 16 years later, I obviously didn't take that road.

In fact, my bitchy skills came in very handy being an entertainer, whether it was being on stage, dealing with hecklers, dealing with other jerky comedians, or just a way of venting for that day.

For the next 20 years of my life I don't want to be that bitchy person anymore.

So from here on out I'm going to try to approach everyday like Marlo Thomas in the opening sequence of her tv show, "That Girl" ! #next #chapter


Friday, October 3, 2014

Korina Korina !!!

Oh no, Korina Emmerich (Puyallup) just got her ass handed to her on National television via Project Runway Season 13 Episode 11 and also online from the PR fans. 

In my personal opninion, I really thought Sean or Sharkita should have went home for their non-functional designs in this episode, "The Highest Bidder" , because their models couldn't even walk in their outfits, I mean really, did no one else notice he sent a lamp down the runway?

And then PR judge Nina Garcia goes after Korina's colorful knit when Sharkita has done the color blue in her dresses for how many episodes this season?

But I will give it to Nina Garcia for calling out Korina's outfit as being outdated.  Thats not a bad comment and really, the industry did the same thing to Coco Chanel with her last line before she came back and dazzled everyone with contemporary tweed, so it can be done.

I'm glad Korina stuck to her Native inspirations but like the other PR judge Zach Posen said, "we've seen this look from her but I haven't seen it evolve yet" , so fair is fair, its time for Korina to take her Native designs to another level!

I am not and I will say this again, I am not excusing the way Korina handled herself on Project Runway, she definitely got sucked in the competition and gave the PR producers definitely what they wanted for their viewing audiences, drama.  But isn't that what makes this show so great?  If Korina and countless past PR designers didn't show their asses on this series this show would be less entertaining and interesting.

I understand why so many of the PR fans sent her hate mail, of course no one likes negativity or mean girls but what would Disney fans be without their Wicked Queen, Maleficent, & Madam Medusa.

Fortunately I am a person not to jump to conclusions so quickly, if she does comes back for another PR season and doesn't change her attitude, then yeah, I will go with the majority on this one.


Feeling Savagy

Its October 3rd, 2am and I don't have to work tomorrow, which is why I'm staying up late blogging.

I have so much on my mind.

First, I broke my soda diet today.   I went to the Swan Oyster Depot on Polk St. in San Francisco today, I had some time before my walking tour began on Nob Hill, I wasn't giving the walking tour, I was actually tagging along with so I could learn more about SF.

The Swan Oyster Depot is supposedly one of the best places to eat raw seafood in town.  I went in and the first thing out of my mouth was like, "do you guys fry anything here" ?  The answer was no so I just had the Clam Chowder which I didn't care for, it was so watery.

The walking tour went great.  We got to walk thru the Grace Cathedral Church, the Fairmont Hotel and the Big Four Restaurant.

Before the walking tour began I was reading up in the SFBG on Chinese political activist/artist - Ai WeiWei's new art installation on Alcatraz Island.  I've known his artwork was coming to the Bay Area for quite sometime, as I read the story in the paper, it was everything I imagined it would be, moving, emotional, political, inspiring.  I was really moved by the story so much that I had to send in a thank you note to the journalist for writing the story.

Of the 7 pieces that Ai designed for Alcatraz, one installation was inspired by the 1969 Alcatraz Occupation takeover by the Bay Area Native American tribes so I knew Ai was going deep with his art.  The piece that is dedicated to the Natives is called, "Illumination" , which calls to history in 1895 when about 19 Hopi's who were imprisoned on Alcatraz for not sending their kids to Native American boarding school.

Just reading that small part of the article meant so much to me because I love reading anything about Native American culture.  There are so many non-native people out there, factions, local cities, government, and whoever who don't give a fuck about Natives.  So it was a nice feeling & gesture, that Ai took the time to remember the people and the atrocities from a Native perspective.

Next week I'll be heading over to Alcatraz for the annual Sunrise Ceremony, so I can't wait to walk around and explore Ai WeiWei exhibitions.

Lets move onto the next topic, my love life, it still sucks.

Moving on.

I really miss my Native friends from school.

I am not one of those Natives who shun my culture, I embrace it, I love it, I flourish in it, even when I'm not around it or my people.

I know, that if I ever see any of my old Native friends from my past that we'll pick up right where we left off.  Which I can never say about my non-Native friends.  I don't know, maybe I am a racist that way because I prefer being with my own, Natives.

*Flashback time*

Do you know whats fucked up.  A couple years ago, one of my comedy friends said I enjoy being the only Native in the comedy community because I enjoy all the attention of being the only Native everyone knows.

Theres a whole lot of things wrong with this statement, here they are in no particular order:

- its because this person made that statement and said more fucked up shit along those lines, I no longer associate with that person, trust me, this was an ongoing thing and it needed to stop.  

- in my perfect world, i would love to still live in Kansas, New Mexico, Arizona, Idaho, or be in some Native community because thats my preference, I love being around Native people, and not be around degenerate, junky, alcoholic, socio-path comedians who don't give a fuck about anybody but themselves, so no, I don't prefer being by myself, I prefer being around loving people, Natives.

- I'm not white, I'm not heterosexual, I don't go to Burning Man therefore my jokes will not reflect that but I did once say, "you know you're white trash if you took your family vacation at Burning Man"

- I'm not down with that last of the mohican bullshit, if you're a non-native and you don't know any Native people than too bad, what the fuck am I supposed to do about it, I barely hang out with any Natives myself.

I would like to end this blog on a positive note, its about a dream I had a couple weeks ago.

In my dream, I saw some of my old Native friends from school and when I realized it was them, my heart leapt for joy and I cried because I was so happy to see them.


Monday, September 22, 2014

Ramen & Drag

My life has officially changed.

I have now entered my 40's and everything is looking good so far.

I don't know, sometime within the past 5 months I developed an affinity for Ramen noodles.  I think it was when I attended the Ramen Fest in Japantown earlier this Summer that my craving for ramen officially kicked in.

Whatever the reason, my new Ramen passion has lead to many different ramen outlets over all SF, some good, some bad.  I eventually did a find a good ramen spot - Aijsen Ramen at the Westfield Mall in downtown SF.

And then, out of nowhere I just decided to do drag on a more consistent basis.

I really can't explain all the wonderful attention that I receive while I'm in drag, its really fun and I really enjoy it.  The other night I was hanging out at a popular drag show in town and this gay porn star could not take his eyes off me.  That really fucked me up because he made me feel special.  As  everyone else does when they see me in drag, I think its the big hair and over the top red boots that make everyone go ga ga.

I think everyone likes me drag persona because they can tell that I don't take it seriously and it shows in the clothes I wear.

And whats crazy, the gay boys just love me in drag!  Finally, I'm a head turner and it just took a wig and heels to do it.

Seriously, last week I was in the Castro and this cute gay guy gave me such a nice compliment about my big wig and then this straight girl passed by and gave me some kind of half ass compliment and then out of nowhere that gay guy snapped back at her and said, "well, at least she does something with her hair" .

I had to turn around and say to the gay guy, "be nice" .

Heres my current drag photo with everything that reflects who I am as a drag entertainer: big hair, a symmetrical cut top, daisy duke shorts, and mad mad red knee high boots!!  I can't wait to see how my drag clothes/persona is going to evolve in the coming years!


Friday, September 12, 2014

Humble Pie

When I was younger, I attended an all Native American boarding school and thats where I learned to wash away my urban upbringings and immerse myself within Native culture.

Of all sudden, I became very away of my idiosyncrasies, the way I talk, the way I walk, everything.

So in order to fit, I really had to tone it down to fit in.

I learned in my teens from the older traditional Natives that there is no such thing as being perfect, which is why some of the most beautiful Indian beadwork in the world always has a bead missing or this is an odd color bead that doesn't belong in the pattern, I bring this up because thats exactly how I'm feeling right now, I feel like the odd bead out.

So if I'm going to be a successful working artist, I need to learn how to balance these worlds.

A friend of mine once asked me if I consider myself my smart and I replied to her, "only when I need to be" .

And therein lies the solution to my dilemma.


Thursday, September 11, 2014

Adam Levine - Naked on Bike

I admit it, I used to be infatuated with Adam Levine but not lately.  After looking at this photo, Adam reminds me of why I was attracted to him, he's so masculine and HAWT !!

Who wants to go for a ride, I know I do.


Monday, September 8, 2014

My Perfect Life


Brad Pitt called again, this time he said he left his wallet in my car, whatever Brad, that was just another excuse for him to come over and bother me.

Its seems like everyone in the world wants to spend time with me ever since I discovered the cure for cancer.  I mean really, I was only doing my job as scientist and putting the pieces together of what everyone already knew.

Its been 5 years since I accepted the Nobel Peace Prize, you'd think the fame would have worn off by now, I never wanted to be celebrity, I just wanted to make a difference.

When I was younger I couldn't find a man to fuck me, now that I've become important it seems like every barista at Starbucks is leaving his phone # on my frappicino cup.

My children are almost grown now, Delilah, Zsa Zsa, and Henri'.  Who knew I was going to adopt and raise 3 beautiful children from Zimbabwe.  I do get asked where I got those names, I took Delilah  from the story of Sampson & Delilah.  I gave my eldest a strong name to let her know that shes empowered and her fate always will always remain in her hands.  I named my 2nd child Zsa Zsa after a friend I went to high school with, my high school friend was bold, fierce, and a lot of fun!  I named my only son Henri', most American's pronounce his name Henry but I've always wanted to raise a french son, which is why all 3 of my kids speak French.

Its been 4 years since my partner died, I miss you Tom.  Tom was my life partner, a good man.  For the first time in my life I didn't lust after a man because of his looks or what he drove or zip code he lived in.  By societies standards, Tom was a schlub, a common man who only cared about his children and the next season of Project Runway.  What I loved about Tom was his inner beauty, "which is truly where we're all beautiful" , he would say.

On somedays I resent Tom for leaving me three kids to raise but I knew I could do it because after all, I was raised by a single parent myself.  #how #hard #could #it #be ????

My life is full.

I think for the last 20 years of my life, I'm going to open a Ramen Noodle Shop in San Francisco.

God Speed.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Dating Older

I've come to that point in my life where other guys consider me as, "dating older" .

I guess.

I was flipping thru my hair this evening and I found a couple grey hairs latched on to my sideburns.  I want to justify those two grey hairs to recent stress but really its to my age, being 40.

I'm good.

Its hard to imagine myself dating anyone younger without it seeming creepy.

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure writer/gay activist - Dustin Lance Bass (40) & Olympic Diver - Tom Daley (20) make a great couple but they really are they're own island.

I would love to date someone my age, I would love to date a Dustin Lance Bass, but guess who Dustin wants to date ... 

So that puts me in the same boat as most women who are washed up, what to do now?

Do I become more interesting as time passes, maybe I'll learn a 2nd language, read a book, travel more and sure that sounds nice but more time will have passed, and I will have gotten older, wiser, wrinklier, lonelier. 


Thursday, September 4, 2014

RIP Joan Rivers

Sadly this afternoon we lost another comedy legend, Joan Rivers.

She was the only comedy legend who I never got a chance to see perform live.

Joan Rivers was a lot of fun, she was a straight up shit talker.  I would never want to pigeon hold her comedy genius into one category whether it was being a woman, white, jewish, funny, bold, brave, trailblazer, lasting, formidable, legend, mother, grandmother, wife, or just plain Joan.

I will say this, in her last comedy special we did both have the same bit about the SPCA commercial with the Sarah McLachlian song, you know, the commercial that made everyone feel like an asshole for animal abuse, it was classic, like Joan.

Heres a photo from Gay Days 2012 Las Vegas!

We went to see Margaret Cho play at the Mirage a couple years back! Kathy & Joan were in town playing shows too! I totally remember being on the opposite side of the street during the Las Vegas Pride Parade just before it started and seeing these 3 on stage together! I was loving Joan's cape, she said a fan made it for her!! #faghag#trifecta #ripjoanrivers 

Monday, September 1, 2014

Why I love Straight Men

I think the reason why I don't prefer dating Gay men is because I have a zero tolerance for attitude and also, Gay men are too hypersensitive.  I think Gay men make great friends but thats it.

This past Fall, this psychic predicted that I would meet someone this Fall and she was absolutely right.

The only drawback, he turned out to be a chubby chaser and gay.  He's cute but the more and more I got to know him and found out how promiscuous he is, I was like, "oh fuck, this guy could give me AIDS if I'm not careful" ...

The last time we hung out I flat out told him, "we're not going to have sex" .

And he was like, "why not" ?

I just made up some bullshit excuse like, "I really think its a good idea if we don't hook up because we're both train wrecks ...." , but really in the back of my mind I was thinking, "I really don't want him leaving my herpes on my asshole" . 

Moving forward.

There are a couple cute straight men around me that I really like but again, they're straight.

It really sucks being a woman trapped in a mans body.  

Why can't these guys see my spiritual vagina?  Its there, its warm, comforting, aged, smooth and just waiting for them to park their cars in my driveway, my driveway behind the house that is.

Speaking of psychics, when I was 19, I got a professional reading and she said the reason why I'm gay is because I'm mastering manhood.  

The biggest lesson I learned about being a man came from dealing with Lesbians.

When I was younger I never understood why some Lesbians were so mean and acted like complete dicks.  So one day I got tired of it and said, "hey, if you're trying to emulate a dude, they're not all complete dicks, you'd know that if you'd ever met a nice one"  .

And that right there is why I'm a delusional bitch.


Sunday, August 24, 2014

Charlie Ballard the Drag Queen

Hey guys, I just got home from giving lap dances at Peaches Christ NC 17th Showgirls Spectacular @ The Castro Theater.  This is annual event thats been happening since 1998.

What makes her show so spectacular is that Peaches puts on this wonderful pre-show filled with cheesy dialogue and parody vignettes from the movie.  In the beginning of every show, Peaches pops out of a homemade volcano and does the Nomi Malone & Crystal Conner volcano dance.

Th first time I attended this show was when it was held at the Bridge Theater on Geary St, I was just so tickled the first time I saw her pop out a volcano, it was so kitch!

Also during the pre-show, she recruits Drag Queens to give lap dances to the audience but the crowd must buy a large bucket of popcorn in order to get it.

The very first time I attended this show and saw the lap dance portion of the show, I was deathly afraid of the lap dancers, I don't know, I keep hearing that all fags have this sense of internalized homophobia and mine totally showed that night because I was deathly afraid of the lap dancers.

10 years later who should be one of her star lap dancers, thats right, my drag alter ego - Nasty Ass Bitch.

I got the most wonderful compliment from Peaches tonight, on and off the stage.

Before the lap dances begin, Peaches introduces all the dancers, when my drag name was called, the crowd went banana's, as they did for all the lap dancers, I walked across the stage and pulled up my dress to show my crusty green underwear that was scruntched up into my ass and the audience loved it.

My drag persona is really fun and really messy.  So tonight I cut a hefty garbage bag into a couture off the shoulder black mini, trust me, it was looking cute.

After the dancers are announced, they do a cat walk across the stage and Peaches gives everybody a little critique, for me she said, "thats one thing about Nasty Ass Bitch, she always delivers" !

The key word in that compliment was, "always" .  I performed for this show before and had a good outing the last time which is why she said that.  I'm just so happy that I was impressionable for everyone in a fun way!

After tonight show, I went back stage to thank Peaches and tell her it was great show and she said, "you were fabulous" !!!  AWWWWWWW!!!

That was so sweet of her to say.

I've actually been doing more drag for the past couple of years and I'm pretty sure I'm going to keep this as a hobby and only do it when I want to and mostly do it, because I enjoy it.

Tonight on the Muni train heading back home, this really cute gay guy couldn't take his eyes off my drag outfit.  I thought he was really sweet but I didn't want to give him any attention because fuck him and other guys like him.  Its only when I dress up in drag that guys even look or talk to me.  I don't know, I'm just not down with that.  Why can't these fuckers talk to me when I'm in my plain street clothes.  Can't these guys see my beautiful aura when I'm wearing my civilians?  I will never date a guy whose into me because I'm a drag queen, I'm doing this shit for my pleasure, not theirs.

When I catch a guy giving me that look when I'm wearing my regular clothes, thats who I want.


Sunday, August 17, 2014


Yup, 113!

Those are the three #'s I haven't seen in a long time.

Any guesses on what those #'s could be?

Thats right, my blood pressure.

For the past 2 years I can't remember a time when my blood pressure was below 137.  The main reason why my blood pressure was in the 130's, 140's, and 150's was because of this respiratory illness I've been going thru since 2012.  This is also the reason why my body insulin was out of whack and I was diagnosed as a pre-diabetic.

Earlier this year, my respiratory illness/pneumonia finally took a turn for the better and life has been great for the past couple of months.

I kept wondering if I was ever going to get my blood pressure down, I just didn't know how.

Well, I did stop drinking soda back on June 1st.  I still get tempted sometimes to drink a coca-cola but I know thats my stress trying to get the best of me so I just let it go.

Lately I've been finding myself craving Ramen noodles which is crazy because I've never craved them before.  And on top of that, I'm getting really good at eating with chopsticks.  Where did that come from?

Alright guys, take care.


Monday, August 11, 2014

RIP Robin Williams

OMG, Comedian/Actor - Robin Williams just passed away this afternoon at the age of 63.

Wow.  It looks like he died from an attempted suicide.

We all know about Robin's past with drug use but I want to remember the good times he made for many people.

Robins death profoundly affects me because being a comedian from the Bay Area, I use to see him around in the SF comedy community hanging out and/or performing!

Here are some of my fondest moments of seeing Robin around in the Bay and watching him on television/movies:

- I was hanging out at the Purple Onion in San Francisco (Columbus & Jackson) when Photographer Dan Dion was running the room, circ 2004, I remember talking to the door girl upstairs when this guy in a dark coat walked in and she said, "excuse me, theres a show going on downstairs" , and then she paused and said, "oh my bad Mr. Williams ..."  I immediately went downstairs because I knew he was going to perform.  That was the night when Joe Kloceck was going to close the show and then he got bumped, he was so upset he left.  I remember thinking to myself, "Joe should stay because he just might learn something" .

- OMG, another time I got to see Robin Williams unexpectedly was when I was performing at the Club Deluxe. (Haight & Ashbury)  That was when Al Gonzales was running the room, circ 2005, I was on stage performing when I started to do a bit where I was shaking my man-titty's like a burlesque dancer, you know, like they had tassels on them.  So when I was done I went outside and there was Robin, hanging out in the front, I was really star struck.  When I looked at him, he had this really scared look on his face like he just saw a ghost and I said, "you just saw me shake me tittys on stage huh" ??  And then he made some kind of funny Robin Williams comment and thats when I flipped out.  I was so embarrassed.

- A couple years later (2008) we went to Bimbo's in SF to watch him work out for one of his upcoming comedy tours and at the end of the show, he took improv suggestions from the crowd and did my suggestion.  That night he taught me how to censor my material for mainstream audiences because I originally gave him a dark improv suggestion, I thought it was too dark, revised it, re-submitted, and he did it. My re-submitted suggestion that he did was just as edgy, but it was about revising.

- Speaking of learning from him, I watched his episode,  "Inside the Actors Studio" , (2001) with James Lypton and thats where I learned how to hit the audience with tags after telling a joke, it was all about listening to crowd, waiting for them to take a breath from laughing and then interjecting again with another tag, in short - timing.

- I am a child of the 80's, I grew up watching Mork & Mindy.  I also loved his older movies, "World According to Garp" , and, "Popeye" .

RIP Robin #nanunanu

Korina Emmerich vs. Sandhya Garg via Project Runway

Is anyone watching Native Designer - Korina Emmerich (Puyallup) on Project Runway this season? 

She is setting off a firestorm of web comments for her heated rivalry with early front runner - Sandhya Garg. Tune in, its getting juicy!   #projectrunway

Friday, August 1, 2014

10 Random Things by Charlie Ballard

10 Random Things About Me:

1) I lost my virginity at age 18.

2) When I was 12, I had the choice of going to Madonn'a, 
"Like A Virgin Tour" , or go to the Great America amusement park and I chose Great America.

3) The first time I ate green beans it made me throw up.

4) My best feature is my ass.

5) Speaking of my ass, I got some serious A game. (winks)

6) My first love was a Pima man from Gila River.

7) If I wasn't a comedian, I would've been a fashion designer.

8) I love doing aerobics naked.

9) I've always wanted an Anishnabe flower on my left arm, 
when I went to college this Anishnabequa from Canada had my tattoo on her arm and I didn't want it anymore.

10) Sobering up was one of the best decisions of my life.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Let it Go

I turned 40 years old a couple months ago and I'm coming to conclusions that the life I wanted to lead has been out of my reach lately.  So heres a list of ideals I've been holding onto for a long time and its time to let this shit go:

- getting married to the perfect man
This one is laughable because I really thought I would've found my soulmate by now and trust me I looked i.e. craigslist,, college, bathrooms, glory holes, bars, cafes, different cities, and where ever else I could find.  In my heart, I really believe I was supposed to be a stay at home gay.  I always envisioned myself getting married to the perfect man, wait for him come home, ask him how his day went, make him some meat loaf and then give him a some booty.

- success
After being in show business for 11 years and not getting anywhere that little fucked up realization of not making it is finally starting to settle in.  I've definitely made my moves and the universe has still yet to deliver.

- weight loss
I currently weigh 290lbs and haven't been down to the 250's for the past couple of years.  Right now I'm working almost full time and have no time to exercise.  I am trying to eat salads at Jack in the Box but that shit just isn't helping.

- having a great sex life
I'm pretty sure my glory days of having a fuckable body are over.  I guess I could go to a gay sex club and get boned in the dark but why keep lying to myself, and besides that scene is sooooo played out.

- making 100k plus a year
The most money I've ever made from comedy in one year was 10,000$.  That is some bullshit.

- a new car
Right now I'd settle for having any kind of car.

- my own house
This one is really far out of reach because in order to have my own house, I needs lots of incoming $$$$$.

- independence
For the past 11 years I've lived at home mainly so I could concentrate on being a stand up comedian and to save on bills.  I love my family but I have no idea what independence feels like.

- learning to speak a 2nd language
I can feel my brain wanting to learn a 2nd language, maybe French, maybe Spanish?

- optimism
This one sucks the most.  This one has kept me from seeing people from who they really are, I can't do it anymore.

This is probably the most honest blog I've written in a while so please don't anyone leave a shitty comment like, "life is what you make it" , because what the fuck do you guys think I've been trying to do for the past 11 years?

My life goals may not be working out for me right now but at least I can say in this life that 

I went for it.

#still #trying #to #make #my #life #better


Monday, July 7, 2014

Gay Leaders ????

What do these now all, "Gay Out" , celebrities have in common?

They all made their notoriety playing straight characters or started their show business careers in the closet.

And now because the straight mainstream audiences love them, they're supposed to be our gay leaders??  I don't think so.

I generally like prefer any Queer entertainer who started their career as an out performer and then made their head waves in the world show business.

I don't know, I just feels like anyone who starts their career in a truthful way and is honest about themselves somehow has more integrity than someone who didn't.

To me, all the celebrities above just proved how good they lied, manipulated, and played the game to get famous and then come out when its convenient.

I really hope times have changed in America where LGBT our performers feel like they don't have to start in the closet to get work.


Friday, June 13, 2014

Good Advice or Bad Advice ???

My favorite sex columnist, Dan Savage, is at it again, this time a young woman whose graduating from High School is wondering if she should pursue a love interest!  Heres what she wrote in and my response it at the bottom after Dan's!
I am currently a senior in high school, but come Saturday, I will be a high-school grad! (Fuck yeah!) The only thing I'm worried about besides my hopes and dreams, and making it in the real world? My sex life. I'm a virgin. When I go online, I see all my friends and peers having these crazy, awesome, smoking-hot sex lives. I am obsessed with this guy in my class. Like all teenage-girl crushes, I can't get him out of my head. I could spot him on the other side of campus in all his tank-top-wearing, soccer-playing glory. I've been sitting in class all day thinking about all the sex we will probably never have. I want to know if it would be weird for me to ask him to hook up at a post-graduation party? I don't care if my first time is with someone "special," I just feel like if I don't say something to him now, I'll never get a chance to have sex at all, with anyone, ever.
Does It Get Sexier?
Heres what Dan wrote in:
First, DIGS, some research shows a link between time spent on social media and depression. The issue seems to be people comparing what they know of their own lives—which are complicated, messy, and sometimes painful—with the idealized portrait others create of their own lives on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc. Remember: While your friends may appear to have crazy, awesome, fun-filled lives on Facebook, their actual lived reality likely includes as many sads and fails as your life does.
Something else to bear in mind: Teenagers are waiting longer to have sex, according to the Guttmacher Institute, and nearly 40 percent of 18-year-olds of both sexes are not yet sexually active. So you are not a freak, DIGS. All of your friends and peers may tell you they're sexually active—or their Facebook and Instagram posts may imply that they're sexually active—but the data tells us (and I'm telling you) that some of your friends are liars.
Finally, DIGS, this boy is not the last boy on earth. You will have other chances to have sex, with other people, lots. But I think you should make a pass at this boy—if not for the sexual experience, then for the experience of making the pass itself. Make it an honest, straightforward, and explicit pass. ("I've had such a crush on you, and this is crazy, but fuck me maybe?") If he's interested, tell him you're a virgin, tell him condoms are required, and tell him you'd rather do it sober or soberish. If he's not interested, well, that'll suck. You'll have to wait a bit longer for your first sexual experience, DIGS, but you'll have an opportunity to practice handling rejection with grace ("Well, I still think you're a great guy, and I hope things won't be awkward between us") and you'll see that rejection isn't the end of the world—or the end of boys, either. Good luck!

Now heres what I had to say:

I say go for it! That was my High School graduation present to myself too! Whatever Dan just said above, ignore it. Hes talking to you like you're a complicated 30 year old woman with tons of baggage. These are the moments and experiences that will change your life forever and shape how you deal with men in the future. If you're going to be sexually active, at least use a rubber and lots of lube. Most likely whatever boy you're chasing won't know how to bang a virgin so its probably going to hurt. Welcome to adulthood and making bad decisions! p.s. thats how we grow as people, we learn from our mistakes!

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

2,154,839 Profile Views

Currently I have over 2 million profile views on my Google+ profile. Wow.

Now theres something you don't see everyday.

Are you serious, from who?

It has to be a glitch, even if it is a glitch it does feel nice, it makes me feel interesting and pretty.

Levar Burton is currently raising money for this Rainbow Reading program and he's already raised over 3 million bucks for his cause.   I bring this up because thats the only thing I can relate this feeling to.

Oh, heres another million association.  Guess how much a million dong in Vietnamese currency converts into U.S. money = 50 bucks.

I did take a stat class in college and they taught us to always challenge any stat thats been presented so here are my conclusions, now statistically, there should be at least 10 guys from the those 2 million views who should have contacted me to get their dick sucked, thats what makes me suspicious those stats aren't real.

But really, all I want is to get high paying work from the entertainment industry and not no fucking 50$ bullshit gigs either.  If any of you thought, "well theres your million dong …" , fuck you.

Hook me up Universe, thanks.


Pharrell Williams & Native American Headdress

Pharrell Williams has always made good music but he really fucks up here. Its always the same shit with these people. Why don't any of these other ethnic groups ever appropriate their own culture to, "look cool" , ? Why does it always have to be ours? None of the these people will ever know what these headdresses mean to our Nations, thats the problem. #getaclue

Saturday, May 31, 2014

May 31

Its the last day of the month and I only published 3 blogs for the the month of May.


heres are some of the thoughts that have been on mind lately:

- a couple weeks ago I turned 40.

- will somebody fuck me already.

- I'm Tour Guiding again and its exhausting, long hours.

- my diet starts tomorrow, no more soda, & todays my last binge day.

- our drag comedy show went great last week.

- whenever you hear somebody say, "what have you done for us" , those people are underserving assholes.

- I want to be a contestant on Rupaul's Drag Race.

- I need to learn how to sew.

- "Normal Heart" , was really good, great acting by Julia Roberts.

- I don't miss any of my old friends anymore.

- I moved on, time to start anew.

- I really want to visit Fire Island.

- going to see insult comic Lisa Lampanelli next Friday @ Warfield.

- only one more Hella Gay Comedy Show next month and I'm done.

- time to make the leap soon.

- i really want to do the splits.

- this summer is going to be about saving $$$$

- i have grey hair on my pussy.