Sunday, September 29, 2013

Top 100 Gay Blogger - Charlie Ballard

Yup, earlier this year I was named into the Top 100 Gay Bloggers by a gay website.

I really hadn't used this current notoriety until this past Thursday when I was asked to be a comedy judge for this years San Francisco International Comedy Competition in Oakland, California.

So when the emcee introduced me to the crowd and listed my credit above, I gave them all a nice princess wave.

As someone who is supposed to be tapped into the beat of the LGBT community, heres some useful general advice for my LGBT readers and inquiring minds:

- Fuck as many people as you can, if you should be so lucky to settle down with another person, all the sexual experience you gained by fucking strangers will have made you a great partner. 

-  Stop soliciting advice from under achievers unless you plan on being an under achiever yourself.

- Stop reading your daily astrology and start making decisions for yourself.  If you bought a lottery ticket because your daily astrology told you to do so than that makes you a sucker twice, once for actually believing anything your daily astrology says and twice for actually believing you'll win the lottery.

- If your teenage daughter keeps singing Katy Perry's hit song, "I Kissed a Girl" , around your house then theres a good chance shes going to grow up to be a big dyke, start dealing.

- Haters are going to hate.  And never, and I mean, never let them stop you or make you believe you can't achieve your goals.  Theres no greater satisfaction than completing a lifes dreams and being able to rub it in their faces.

- Life is too short so don't short change yourself by not experiencing what life has to offer.  Learn a new language, travel somewhere you'd never go, do something that you would never do, live.

- Performing a good deed is food for the soul, donate your time to a charity, you'll feel good about yourself, I promise.

- Never compare your life to anyone elses, you have your own destiny to fulfill, filled with your own choices, fate, karma,  and the unknown.

- Live and let live.

- The old bubble gum, girl next door Miley Ray Cyrus was way better than the current slutty, "twerking" , Miley Ray Cyrus.

Friday, September 20, 2013

My Current Outlook

Job - Lately I've been feeling really exhausted from my new job in San Francisco as a Tour Guide.  The hours are really long and I don't have time to do anything.  I've really broken away from the SF Comedy scene and don't attend a lot of the comedy open mics like I use to.  It feels nice not having comedy in my life, I've dedicated my life to comedy for so long I can't remember what it felt like having a normal life beforehand.  Oh wait, yes I can.  I use to hang out in filthy gay bars and have anonymous sex with gay men.

Friends - Another downer is that I don't have time to take calls from my BFF.  Usually I'm home and will pick up the phone but since all my time is consumed with my job, I'm starting to miss talking on the phone.

Family - My little family is doing well, me, my mom and my brother.  For our entire lives its just been us in the Bay Area.  I'll be headed down to L.A. this week with my mom for an excursion.  Its important for us to get out of the Bay Area every so often to stay fresh.  So while we're down there, she'll be getting massages and I'll be attending a volleyball game at USC and doing the Ventura Comedy Festival.  We're supposed to be staying at a really nice 4 star hotel near Bel Air, I'm hoping it has a nice pool.

Love Life - Currently there are a couple guys around me that I've been seriously flirting with.  I wish any of them would ask me to fuck but you know me, I'm never the aggressor and if they want it, all they have to do is just ask.  Theres this one guy I was talking to this past week and he literally made my panty's wet from just talking to him, oh wait, I don't wear panty's.

Dreams - The guys who directed my movie, "All The Others Were Practice" , just emailed me and said the first edit is ready to watch.  He invited me to attend a private screening with his friends and I declined.  As much as I want to see it, I'm going to wait for the movie premiere this upcoming January 2014.  I'm sure the rough edit will fun to watch but I'm going to hold out for the polished version.

Health - My body has been cramping lately.  Like I said earlier in this blog, my job is really strenuous and takes a lot of me.  On the upside, I did finally get rid of my cough/cold/congestion or whatever it was.  I feel tons better.  I'm a little ticked that I haven't had time to go run like I use to, of course the only time I had to run now is when I don't have it.  Now that my breathing has returned back to normal, I've just been sitting on my ass.

Alright ya'll, have a good one!


Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Surrender Speech - Chief Joseph

Surrender Speech by Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce

I am tired of fighting. Our chiefs are killed. Looking Glass is dead. Toohulhulsote is dead. The old men are all dead. It is the young men who say yes or no. He who led the young men is dead.
It is cold and we have no blankets. The little children are freezing to death. My people, some of them, have run away to the hills and have no blankets, no food. No one knows where they are--perhaps freezing to death. I want to have time to look for my children and see how many I can find. Maybe I shall find them among the dead. Hear me, my chiefs. I am tired. My heart is sick and sad. From where the sun now stands, I will fight no more forever"

Monday, September 16, 2013

Miss America 2014 - Nina Davuluri

Congrats to the newly crowed Miss America 2013 - Nina Davuluri. Since shes been crowned, Nina's received a tweet tirade from White America calling her a terrorist because of her Indian American background.

When the truth is these white middle America fuckers have been the real terrorist since 1492, just ask the Native Americans.

Hot Mess

in case any of you wonder how dragqueens tinkle, your welcome.

Gay Conversion Therapy

Friday, September 13, 2013

My Voice & Your Voice

This blog is dedicated to all aspiring writers.

Lately I've been wanting to blog for several different websites and I've been striking out left and right.

Why?  Theres a part of me that feels like I have something interesting to contribute to the masses and then theres my narcissist side that just wants the recognition of being published with a major blog that has lots of traffic.

And then it dawned on me, hello, my blog is already on the web, what am I crying for?

Whatever my reasoning for trying to get my writing out onto the web, my crowd is out there and they're finding my work.

Very recently Dan Savage, a famed sex advice columnist from Seattle, Washington., just submitted his latest entry about Gay dating and one of his readers responded to his column with advice that referenced a Foot Fetish blog that I wrote a couple years back.

How amazing is that?

I wrote that Foot Fetish blog back in 2011 and until this past week, it was laying dormant in my blog vault here on until it started receiving traffic again.

So I guess people are finding my work online.  What I learned about my blog this past week is that my entries are pretty genre specific, which is fine.

Its nice to know my writing is reaching people with the same interests, which is really what this is all about.

So my advice to all bloggers & writers everywhere, keep writing about your passionate topics, your work does mean something and somebody out there in cyber land will find it.


Monday, September 9, 2013

Cheap Ass Native Americans

This server was fired from Famous Dave's in Bismarck, North Dakota., for leaving this photo on facebook, her sign suggests that Native Americans are cheap because they didn't leave any good tips during the 44th Annual United Tribes Powwow weekend when the truth is Natives are some cheap ass tippers. I work in a tip related industry and if I had to live off tips from Native Americans I would find another job because I wouldn't be making shit. #truth

I got a comment from a friend on facebook about this issue, here's what he said:

"When I went to Bacone College, me and the guys would always go out to eat and those boys were cheap. I knew better because my sister was a waitress and she told me. But I think a lot of Natives don't know, and well being the poorest demographic in the country, can you blame them"  ?

And heres how I responded to his comment:
"thats no excuse, if you have money to eat out then you have money to tip otherwise keep your ass home and wait on yourself"

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Charlie Ballard's Secrets to Looking Young

This blog has been a long time coming.  I guess in 2006 is when I started to notice the people around me began tell me that I looked young for my age.

In 2000, another comment I got while cruising thru my old stomp grounds in Albuquerque is when I ran into a old friend and he said, "you still look the same" .

So who knows, maybe I've been blessed with looking young.  Now that I'm 39 and still get 28, I relish every compliment because it does mean so much more when you're older.

Here are some of my trade secrets to looking young, this has worked for me, maybe it'll work for you too!

1. Stop smoking & drinking.  Smoking causes wrinkles.  I noticed thru my smoking spells, my chin kept drying out with every puff. Everyone also knows that habitual binge drinking warps the body and also warps the face.

2. Get plenty of rest.  Why do you guys think Sleeping Beauty looks so good, because that bitch gets plenty of rest.

3. Stay hydrated. Water is healthy for you and keeps the skin naturally glowing.  .

4. Don't smile, frown or squint or over do it with your facial expressions, again this causes lines.

5. Stay chubby.  When anyone uses collagen injections, what are they injecting into their face, thats right, fat.  Keep the natural collagen in your face by staying fat and poofy.

6.  If you're going to be in the sun, always and I mean, always wear sunscreen.  It says right on the bottle that sunscreen prevents skin aging.

7. Moisturize.  Keep your face vibrant and use product.

8. Stop Stressing, nothing causes break outs, grey hair and aging lines more than stress.

9. Acutane and other pimple medicine helps get rid of facial lines.  Use only once because your skin stays sensitive forever after that.  And you always have to use sunscreen after that too.

10. Keep a vibrant attitude and exercise, the keys to looking young is feeling young and staying active!


Friday, September 6, 2013

Stop fucking with Carnie

A while back another Gay comedian pissed me off when I was at the Akbar in the L.A. area during, "Drunk on Stage" , which is a popular comedy show in Silverlake.  The show was going fine until this new Gay comedian made a fat joke about Carnie Wilson which pissed me off.

Is that where we're at as Gay stand up comedians?  Have we finally crossed over and become so mainstream that we've lost sight ourselves?

My point being, have we progressed so far in our movement that we've now become the oppressors from being the oppressed?  I think not.

The last time I checked, its still not cool for anyone who identifies as a LGBT.  Gay teens are still committing suicide, Gays are still being targeted for harassment, straight comics are still telling really bad jokes about Gays on stage and oh, has anybody been keeping track of the National Anti-Gay laws Russia?
Very recently I tweeted to Carnie Wilson that I had her back and said I stuck up for her when another comic cracked on her.  She tweeted back and wanted to know the comics name and of course I tweeted Carnie back his name.

In typical fashion, the friends of this Gay comic began a twitter tirade on Carnie except for the muthafucker who was talking shit about her in the first place, oh really, thats so odd for this muthafucker who started all this and now has nothing to say.  I've been doing stand up comedy for 10 years and if you can't back up anything you say on stage than you shouldn't be saying anything at all.

And then I get called an kiss ass by this gay comics friends because I stuck up for Carnie.

I know I work in comedy and whatever is said on stage is supposed to be meant as a joke but sometimes enough is enough.

We can't move forward as a LGBT community if we keep holding ourselves back, know what I mean?


Charlie Ballard

Wonderful Boring Day

Today is my day off and I'm loving it.

I've been working as a Tour Guide in San Francisco for the past month and I'm loving it.  The downside is the hours are long and I have no free time to do anything in the evenings because I'm so tired.  The other downside is I'm always sunburn.  I haven't been this dark since I worked on the Colorado River as a Hualapai River Runner.

The positive side is that my job requires me to wake up early for work and now that I have to wake up in the morning, I'm usually out the door by 8am, something which I haven't done for quite a while.  I really enjoying being tired at night and getting to sleep like most people.

In a couple weeks I'll be heading down to L.A. for the Ventura Comedy Festival.  I'm really looking forward to that.  I got booked with Jennie McNulty's, "Rainbow Room" , and will be doing her LGBT comedy showcase at the Ventura Comedy Club.  I met Jennie a while back and did the Outlaugh Festival with her at the Comedy Store in 2011.

I really love doing LGBT comedy shows because the crowds are usually better and so are the comics.

This past week we concluded the last Hella Gay Comedy Show for the year, Hella Gay All Stars.  It was held at the Pa'ina Lounge in Japantown.  The venue was great and so were our comedians and variety acts, good job to Steve Post, Scott Simpson, Dro, Gloria Magana, Priyanka Wali, Ron Chapman, Rich Hutchison, Jessica Wellington, Karen Ripley, Jon Allen, Michael Jackson Experience, and Litz Plummer.

In personal news, I've been taking Lamisil for my foot fungus and its working like a charm.  Its also getting rid of my jock itch that I've had for a very long time.  For a while there I really wanted to get my anus bleached because I thought I wasn't washing it enough.  As it turns out, my crack isn' black from being dirty, its black from having long term jock itch.  I probably will still get my anus bleached because ya'll know how us gays like to keep our shit looking tight.

Talking about my ass crack above will probably make some of my readers uncomfortable, oh well.

Did you guys notice how this blog was going pretty dull until I mentioned my crack, your welcome.