Thursday, March 31, 2011

Shit Talker

The reason why stand up comedy is dominated by men is because our society has decided that because men are phycially superior than women, their brains should be just as superior too, which is why so many men try to display their intellengence by telling jokes on stage.

So where does this leave the gay male comedian? In my experience, Gay male comedians are relagated to being ministrels - jovial, outrageous, over the top, never to be taken seriously.

Not anymore.

Tonight at the Brainwash Cafe open mic I finally woke up and realized that my voice is just as important without the hokey gimmick. I'm hoping other people in my similar position decide to step up and give the, "man" , a run for his money.

It also inspired me to write this last status update on my facebook page:

"the fun, frolic-ly happy go lucky gay comedian known as Charlie Ballard is now officially dead.. the social politcally conscience shit talking faggot comedian known as Charlie Ballard is now born, hoping to bring back balance to the Universe. xoxo"

I'm actually kind've excited, it feels like I found my voice again.

This should be fun.


Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Queen Charlie

It must be all the Coca Cola and Ibprofren I've been taking lately because my dreams have been pretty lucid.

For instance lastnight I had this wild dream I was elected Queen and everyone came up to me congratulating me. No big deal right? Well, I must've won the title of the year because even the most villainous people I knew came up to me and extended their hand to me.

And in my dream, I told myself, "what kind've queen would I be if I didn't if I didn't show gratitude and humility" . So I graciously threw them a smile, shook their hand, and then sat there on my throne all pretty.

The next part of the dream got better. I was still Queen and I had to address another line of people. I got a better vibe from the people in this line. These people made me forget my royal protocols and then I wanted to hug them all, so that's what I did. I was like, "okay, I'm getting tired of hugging all of you one by one" , so then I just gave everybody one big group hug.

I love my dreams because I can be delusional as I want.

You know, I could've dreamt of getting a massage by a bunch of naked men but nope, I decided to dream about my duties and responsibilities to the people.


Monday, March 28, 2011

Chubb Rock - Treat 'Em Right

is feeling Super Sexy today. What is it about this song that makes me want to shake my ta ta's for the menz?


Saturday, March 26, 2011

Week 13

Today's Weigh in: 260

I'm the same exact weight I was last week. I might've lost a couple lbs this week but gained it all back on Friday because I ate like a pig yesterday. I went to the Home restaurant in SF and ate like there was no tomorrow. I should've know better but my excuse for splurging was that I haven't been good to myself in a while and that's what I was going to do.

For the past couple of months I've been struggling with shortness of breath. It's really affected my sleep. So this next upcoming week I'm going into the doctor's office to see what's up. I've been taking some over the counter sinus/congestion medicine but it might be more than that. I hope it's nothing too bad. I've hacking it up pretty bad lately and enough is enough.

And also I haven't been running. Mostly because I've been trying to keep my fungus problem at bay. I figured with all that running, I wasn't giving my fungus cream a chance to work. And also because of the shortness of breath thing, I want to make my lungs are working at full capacity before I start putting stress on them.

So this week I'm going to slack it more time and then get serious for April.

I hope these aren't just words I'm typing but I really am going to try my hardest to lose weight for the next 3 months!


Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Gay Marriage in the USA

I got into a heated arguement over gay marriage with a gay republican. He basically said the reason why Californians didn't pass gay marriage was because it wasn't the will of people, twice in fact, well I got news for him.

If it was up to the will of the people African Americans would not be integrated into public schools, abortion wouldn't be legalized, and Fred Phelps would have a foot up his ass for preaching hate.

So for now, it looks like the Gay Marriage vote is headed all the way to U.S. Supreme Court.

And actually I wasn't looking to get into a political fight at all, I was on looking for some dick.

But this asshole put, "conversative" , in his profile and I was like, "Oh, I wonder if that means he's a Gay Republican" . See what I get for asking.

And to make matters worse, my profile pic on is of Adam Bouska's "NOH8" campaign. So you guys can imagine how much of a hissy fit he got into over my picture.

And you know what, I never felt more prouder to be a gay/Native American/professional stand up comedian/hooker/slacker in my whole life.

I was actually very sad to see nothing positive was able to come out've our heated debate over gay marriage because he was really cute.

And personally, I don't care for the gay republican agenda but I love sleeping with them, with all the hellfire and brimstone they preach it makes them tomcats in the sack.


Why I Love White Men

This poem is dedicated to all the White men out there who've managed to bury a place in my heart with there charming white ways.


Damn you White Man for ensnaring me with your rapture, your knowledge of tax breaks, your whimsical ensembles of crocks and hoodies and your undaunting quest to figure shit out when the rest of the world does not care.

Charlie Ballard
Circ 2011

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Pointless Blog

My blogging habits have dropped lately and some of you maybe asking yourselves, "what have you been doing with yourself lately" ?

Here's a quick rundown:

1) Just got off the phone with Juicely, that girl always manages to pick me up and make me laugh when I need it the most. I really do think my humor comes from my friends.

2) Lastnight I went back to Cobb's to watch Paul Mooney again. As always, that man never fails to disappoint. His joke repetoire will always be in a class by himself.

3) I did a 20 minute set at the 800 Larkin before I went to Cobb's. I probably did a few scripted jokes but then riffed the rest of the time with doing a Q & A with the crowd. That was so fun. I've never felt more comfortable on stage and for once, I could finally see the jokes clearly while I was riffing. It was an amazing feeling.

4) For this whole week I've been trying to hook up with Arab guy from craigslist but our schedules aren't flexilbe enough to meet so he said, "don't think I don't have any morals or anything but if you want, we could fuck in abandoned alley" . And do you guys know what I responded back to him? I said, "I'm not really into alley's" . If any of you guys have ever kept up with my blogs then you'd all know how bad I was lying.

5) On my way to a cafe lastnight, I saw a guy laying on the street on the corner of 8th & Market. He looked like a victim of a hit & run. Fortunately the SFFD was there. It didn't look good, I hope he's alright.

6) I'm on my 2nd day off from work. My work schedule doesn't start until next Wednesday. Britney Spears is coming to SF to give a free concert in the Castro and I'm scheduled to work that day. Hopefully I can get somebody else to fill in for me and so I can go check her out. I don't love Britney but I love anything for free.

7) The Supermoon was out lastnight and I totally was out've the loop for that one. I guess the Supermoon was at it's brightest and biggest because this is the closet it's been to the Earth in a long time. When I think of the moon, I think how it affects the tides and people's emotions. Knowing that, I tried to keep mine in check. Coincidently the wind and the rain was really blowing threw SF. It was really something to see. Around 2AM it finally let up. Good thing I was indoors the whole time watching Paul Mooney. My heart went out to all the homeless people who weren't as fortunate to be indoors.

8) Acclaimed actor Charlie Sheen created a new catch phrase for the American Pop Culture - "Winning" . Dude, if you really want to be a winner in my book, then donate all the money you make to the people who need it the most. He could definitely start with the Japan Tsunami victims. Oh yeah, big props to Sandra Bullock who donated a million dollars to the Japan disaster relief. That's the second time she's done that and because of it, I will always a be Sandra Bullock fan.

9) I'm still stalking several people on facebook and that's only because their facebook pages aren't set to private. Whatever. I think they want to be watched otherwise why else have it open to the public? Anybody who says the reason why they leave their page open is because they have nothing to hide are fuckin liars. I still censor my blogs, status updates, tweets, and whatever else I put on the web all the time and even in this blog. I only tell you guys what I want you to know. And even with that, I only extend that to the public as a courtesy. I have to save somethings for my private life, right?

10) Here's my last thought. While I was working out on the 800 Larkin stage I caught myself saying, "I think I've gone as far as I could go" . And what I was talking about was my comedic pay grade. I'm only going to make so much money as a semi-famous comedian. I'll never break into the big money unless I can figure out a way to catapult my name & face out into the public on a major scale. I've read other comedians who've been doing this a lot longer and who are hitting that same wall too. They wanna stop playing these po dunk comedy clubs and start playing these grand places like Carnigie Hall, the Met, the Louise Davies Symphony Hall, or the Nob Hill Masonic Theater. And you know what I've noticed, all the comedians that play those places have had talk shows. So that's what I need. Oh fuck, check this out. Charlie Sheen is doing a national tour and he's already selling tickets for 50$ - 80$!!! Are you fucking kidding me? And all the newspapers are just as clueless as to what kind've show he's going to be giving? But you know what people, people are buying tickets. Isn't that fucking crazy? I'm guessing Charlie Sheen is banking people wanting to listen to his crazy rants, who knows? This is a weird business I'm in.

Alright guys, thanks for listening to my rants.


Saturday, March 19, 2011

Charlie Sheen

I use to lust after Charlie Sheen so bad when I was younger. I don't know, he just had that All American guy thing that I was really into.

Now a days this man is a trainwreck and a half. No pun intended.

Here's a Charlie Sheen sporting a his new tshirt, "Duh, Winning" .

Are you really winning Charlie? To me, it seems pretty senseless being a millionaire if you're fucking crazy.

Oddly enough, after everything that's happened in Charlie Sheen's life lately, I'm still attracted to him. It must the likes attract thing with me being a trainwreck too.


Week 12

Today's Weigh in: 260

I'm up 2 lbs from last week. Shit.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Week 11

Today's weigh in: 258

I've been the same weight for the past 3 weeks. *ugh*

Am I trying to eat right, no. I've just been watching my portions and intake.

I have another friend who lost 40lbs. He's been doing it on a 1400 calorie day diet. He says he eats whatever but he magages to stay under 1400 calories a day. And he also says he goes to sleep hungry because he doesn't eat at night. It must be working because he looks great! Go Steven Lebeau !

Stay motivated!


Thursday, March 10, 2011

Taco Bell Incident

I went to Taco Bell and my back began to itch so I turned around and started to rub my back against the corner edge of the door and then my butt began to itch too so instead of scratching my butt with my hand like any normal person, I continued to scratch my butt on the door.

It wouldn't of been so bad if everyone in Taco Bell hadn't stopped to watch what I was doing.


Monday, March 7, 2011

Thought for the Day

Treat everone with kindness and compassion because all we have is ourselves and each other - Charlie Ballard


Week 10

Today's Weigh in: 258

I think I'm even for this week. Not bad I guess. I could be really up with all the stress I've been under lately but this is good.

I must confess. I haven't been running or excercising lately. If I have been able to get my excercise in, it's been from coming home late and having to walk from the Fruitvale BART station.

It's a lot harder to hit the lake when you don't have a car. I could be taking the bus to go run but if I do then my evening is shot from not having to do comedy in SF.

I know, excuses right. I'm really tempted to chuck this whole thing but a deal is a deal. I'm praying the stress in my personal life will smoothen out soon and I'll be able to get everything back on track.

I would also like to mention they are quite a few of you that have lost dramatic weight and I'm so proud of you guys! I'm just sorry that I couldn't of been more diciplined like you guys. The power of food and being an emotional eater is getting the best of me.

I still have hope and am not giving up. We still have a ways to go, so keep it everybody!


Saturday, March 5, 2011

Long Week

It's early Saturday morning and I just got threw with a hellish week at work. It was worth it because I was able to pay off my credit card debt and still come out a head.

Now I have the arduous task of saving up for a car.

I can do it, it's only a matter of time.

I hate being in debt. I was talking to my comedian friend Ethan Orloff the other night and he said if you're not rich than your only goal in life is try to get to zero. Meaning most of us in life spend well way beyond our means and we're having a shitty time paying off our debts.

And what kills me is that I honestly don't have shit to show for any of the money I've spent recently. Maybe some pants and shirts from Old Navy but definitely nothing really cool like a car.

Tonight I went to the Il Pirata to watch the monthly Speech Therapy Comedy show and it was actually pretty good. I always enjoy watching the local SF comedians in action.

The highlight of the night had to be when I met this French woman who currently resides in Oakland. We talked about what it's like to live in Oakland and she said I was pessimist for not having a good opnion of Oakland. She doesn't know Oakland the way I do.

She made some interesting points about how Oakland's changed for the better lately. She said the nightlife has really improved with the Fox Theater renovation and the addition of the Uptown neighborbood in downtown Oakland. She also pointed out that the first Friday of every month the downtown art stores hold a block party for the locals.

(Insert pessimism here)

Bitch please. What are we, a small town? Why don't we just throw an annual Strawberry Festival in deep East Oakland and see who doesn't get shot.

I wish our cities problems like chronic homelessness, gangs, crime, prostitution, unemployment, dirty streets, and so on could all get better overnight but I suppose it takes time.

One of my more, "pessimistic" , comments was when I said, "it seems like we can't ever have anything nice in Oakland without somebody fucking it up" .

The only bright spot I had to contribute to the conversation was about our new Oakland Mayor Jean Quan. She's the real deal on community change. I've seen her do it and make our streets safer. You go Miss Quan!

So for now, all I can do is plan a trip to Paris, France and hope they have cooler shit to do than pie bake off's.


Thursday, March 3, 2011

Prince photo

This picture is courtesy of Larry Schmidlin. Larry was standing next to me and he took this photo of Prince at his last show in the Oakland Coliseum.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Charlie Sheen

After watching this, I can't believe I use to have a huge crush on this guy when I was younger.

Wow. Whoever says hardcore drug use doesn't effect you in the long run is a mutherfuckin liar.

I really hate how the interviewer know's he's not all there and she's exploiting every second of it.