Friday, December 31, 2010

Happy New Year's Everybody

It's December 31st and this is my last blog for 2010!

I was in SF earlier but decided to come home and catch up on my rest. My heart was really with the festive crowd at the Embacaderro but since it was drizzling out and I have to work tomorrow, I decided to come home. I know, I'm such a party pooper.

I shant to think of the "other" places I could've been this evening but like I said, my health if more important so here I am.

Here's a quick list of things I want for 2011.

1) A Gay porn boyfriend
2) Lady Gaga concert tickets.
3) A brand new car.
4) TV work.
5) Exotic Gay Vacation.
6) A colon cleanse.
7) A TV Development deal from a major network
8) Did I say Gay Porn Star boyfriend already?
9) A Snuggie
10) And lastly, so most of you won't think I'm a total materialistic gimme gimme gimme diva, I want peace, love, and happiness for the entire world!

xoxo

Thank You Readers!

Here are my blog reader stats, by country, for the month of December!

United States 930 *hits*
South Korea 72
Canada 33
Malaysia 33
United Kingdom 28
Slovakia 25
Netherlands 24
Denmark 23
Russia 23
France 20


That's awesome, I got 1,200 hits this past month! So whoever you guys are, thank you for stopping by my blog to check it out.

I will say this, my #1 blog is still "How To Make Love Like A Gay Man" . I guess there's still a lot inquisitive people out there who wanna find out how gay men do it to each other in the butt because according to Blogger, the most common key words people use to find my blog are, "making love to a gay man" , or, "how to make love to a gay man" .

That's cool, I can see why the all the Internet search engines have been pointing them my way because there's no pracitical use info on gay sex out there. I've read some hardcover books on gay sex in the gay bookstores and those are no help either.

I'm glad I can make a small contribution to the world wide web, even if it's telling people where to place there ring finger to stimulate a man's anus.

xoxo

*special note to my hunky male readers, I love hearing from you guys, whether you're in jail, on the road, or on a business trip... say hi sometime! xoxo

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Bad Ideas for Tattoo's

I pulled these down from the Ellen Dengeneres website, the theme was, "Bad ideas for Tattoo's" , some of them are cute and some of them are well... scary.

Enjoy!

Who doesn't love Bob Barker?



OMG, I thought this one was the cutest, he's gettinh his hair lawnmowed!



This one is creative and gross. I will never look at anyone's belly button the same ever again.



Now this is a bad idea for a tattoo - Conan O'Brian, really ???



My sign would've said "Warning: Must wear hard hat when entering this area"



This one was cute. There were many people who had tat's of their children and pets. That's not a bad idea for a tat. Who doesn't love their children?



If Judge Judy can be a pin up so can I.



Life little saying are good but this could atleast have been done in Chinese.




I'll give anyone mad props for getting a tattoo because that's a sign of somebody's whose commmittive. Maybe someday I'll get a tatoo. I think I just realized why I've never had a boyfriend because maybe I have a fear of committments. Wow, that was like Zen or something. And this probably explains why I hate anything with the word permanent attached to it.

xoxo

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Kim Jung IL

Hey guys, I'm getting ready for doppleganger week on facebook.

Inner Bitch

I've been wrestling with my inner bitch lately.

For my personal 2011 New Year's Resolution, I'm going to work on my bitchiness.

The only time I show it is when I don't want to be around people I don't like.

And really, I'm just reflecting back to what people show me. Example, if you show me that you're a dick, then that's how I'm going to treat you, it's that plain and simple, especially if I'm just meeting you for the first time. First impressions are everything.

On the other hand, if you show me you're kind, genuine, sincere, & compassionate, then I can tell we're going to be friends for a very long time.

And people wonder why I'm so picky about who I talk to.

I'm not sure if that's a universal law but it works for me.

I'll be the first to admit I'm not the best judge of character but I'm sure not going to waste my time trying hang around fake people who just want you to tell them how fabulous they are, please... if I wanted to hang out with people like that, I would've been a professional dragqueen.

xoxo

Animal Spirit Guide

Hey ya'll, I've been having some weird dreams lately and I think it's my codeine cough syrup that's been doing it to me.

Lastnight after drinking 2 tbl spoons of my Codeine syrup, I went to bed and dreamt I was trying sneak into this magical lagoon and the only way I could enter was if I dove in headfirst because the entrance was underneath the water. I noticed I wasn't the only one diving in, I saw some other beings jump in and some of them morphed into ocean creatures like a whale or a dolphin. I was like, "wow, that is really cool" . So me being the clever person I am, I thought to myself, "I'm going to do that so I can swim better in the water" , and as soon as I hit the water I told myself I wanted to turn into a fish and when I tried to feel my tail and I couldn't because I didn't because I could still feel my fingers.

In the next dream sequence, I felt like I was in school. There were all these seminars going on in different rooms and the person I was with said, "pick anything you want to learn, go insdie, and you'll learn it" . They were so many rooms with so many different topics to pick from. I saw this one room with a sign outside that said, "Superiority" and peeked in. I remember the feeling of superiority made me uncomfortable so I stepped back out and looked at our hallway leader and said, "I want to learn how to morph into a dolphin or whale so I can swim better in the water" . He turned to me and said, "that's easy, you have to find your animal guide first" .

Maybe that's why I couldn't turn into a fish earlier because that wasn't my animal spirit guide.

I actually know how to find your animal spirit guide too, if anybody wants to know, then keep reading.

Meditate that you're on a sunny beach, the weather is nice, there's a cool breeze, you're relaxing listening the waves gentley coming onto shore. As you look across the beach you notice you're the only one there and that's when you ask your animal spirit guide to join you. So in your meditation, you close your eyes, ask them if they'd like to join you, and then as you open them, you look to the end of the beach, see a shadow forming, and whatver animal appears, that's your animal spirit guide.

When you find out which animal it is, keep it to yourself.

Cool, huh!

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Fanatic

This is interesting, I pulled these marketing facts down from a SXSW fans/merchandise seminar.

Here's the breakdown:

1) Super Fan - will pay 100$ -200$ in merchendise and concert tickets to see you.

I've totally done this for a select few. The most I've ever paid to see a music group was 750$ for an Eagles concert in Kansas City, MO. We got those tickets threw All Access. For that event, they set us up with a nice dinner before the show, we got to meet some of the roadies, and got Eagles merchandise. Was it worth it? For my mom it was. I only went with her as a chaperone and plus it gave me time to visit with my friends in nearby Lawrence, Kansas.

The second most money I've ever paid to see a performer was Madonna - Sticky and Sweet tour. Those tickets were 350$ a pop. That was my first Madonna concert and I'm so happy I got to see her perform live. Cher, Celion Dion, and Bette Midler cost that much too, will I ever pay that kind've money again to those artists, hell to the mutha fuckin no, there is only one Madonna.

2) Active Fan - will pay 50$ - 150$ randomly

This one has been me lately. When Margaret Cho is in town, I've been known to shell out atleast 50$ - 60$ depending on what kind've show she's doing. She's been known to offer 150$ for a VIP meet and greet and since I've met her on more than one occasion, I usually pass, that and because she's a bitch.

3) Personal Fan - will wait for a free show - 50$

Recently I waited in line for 3 hours to see Adam Levine play a free concert at the Fillmore in San Francisco. Adam was totally worth it, even though he plays estrogen heavy music, his show made me feel feminine and demure, loved it.

Also, recently I got see the Doobie Brothers play at a free concent in the Apple Store downtown SF. That one was totally unexpected. I was seriously checking my email and saw a long line in store and when I heard who was playing, I was like sure why not.

4) Potential Fan - Example: I'm gay, therefore I should be a Lady Gaga fan.

I'm really picky about who I follow and why. The last really great concert I saw in SF was Estelle. I liked her whole album - Shine. Usually it takes an artist 7 - 10 albums before I'll watch their whole show. Seriously, there are too many one hit wonders out there, so unless they can fill a whole set list with great music, then I'm not going to fuck with them.

Sucker Fan - Wrong place wrong time.

This catagory wasn't in the original list but I'm sure everyone can atest to this one. I've never been duped into seeing somebody I didn't want to see but there many times where I was like, "where the fuck am I, who the fuck on stage is that" ??

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All in all I'd have to say I'm a pretty devoted fan. If I didn't like my artists then I certainly wouldn't pay to see them.

The way I look at the whole idol/fan worship thing, we as fans invest a lot of money into our artist, hoping they continue to inspire us and make us feel good about ourselves.

The only difference between the fan and the artist is that the artist decided to pick up the microphone, paint brush, pen, instrumament, ballet shoes, and make their feelings known to the universe. They're not doing anything that anyone couldn't do for themselves, make a difference people, this is your life too!

xoxo

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Perez Hilton

Okay so this is probably the last person in the world who needs to be blogged about but I want to give special props to Perez Hilton whose lost a ton weight lately!

I first noticed his weight lost in an Austin Young photograph:



Here is Miss Perez again jumping up and down celebrating her new body mass index! Go girl, I know personally how hard it is to drop the weight and keep it off!



xoxo

Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas Child

As my friend Juicely would say... "Merry Christmas Child" !!!

This is that time of the year where I have to express how grateful I am for everything in my life. I am so appreciative of my family, friends, good health, roof over my head, food on the table, and my job, being a comedian.

At one time or another I know I've taken these things for granted and I apologize.

On some days I think I know what's best for me and other days, that's when I get my teeth yanked out for not taking care of myself.

My decision making process has gotten better over the years, not a whole lot but some.

When I look at my brief lapses in judgement, I look at them in two ways, being naive and having hope.

I have so much hope for the world sometimes it's viewed as being naive. I can't help it, I guess in some ways being naive also makes me an idealist. I just googled the word idealist and here's what it said:

1. One whose conduct is influenced by ideals that often conflict with practical considerations.
2. One who is unrealistic and impractical; a visionary.
3. An artist or writer whose work is imbued with idealism.
4. An adherent of any system of philosophical idealism.


Yep, that's me sometimes, not practical.

I never really thought of myself as a visionary but that was one of my cartoons from the 80's.

The last time I checked, Mother Theresa, Martin Luther King Jr, Ghandi, The Daili Lama, and even Barack Obama also campaigned on the platform of hope and look how far they got.

When my first stand up comedy DVD - Charlie Ballard Live comes out next year, this is one the first major themes that will keep popping up in my work.

I know I'm old enough to know better but that doesn't mean I'm going to stop doing what I believe in.

with heart, compassion, and love,

xoxo

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Ba Hum Bug

My Christmas is starting off shitty. I went to the dentist this past week to have them put in a temporary crown and tonight it popped out. And get this, the dental clinic is closed tomorrow so I won't be able to get seen again until Monday. But that's if I wait to go back to the Urban Indian Health Clinic. I doubt it, I'll probably head out to another dentist in the area.

And then on top of that, I came down with the flu. I just came back from the pharmacy and am ready to get loaded up on the codeine cold syrup that was prescribed to me. Whoo Hoo!

I also picked up more fungus pills for my toe nails mainly because I like having my toes sucked on and well honestly, they're not very suckable right now.

I really hope I don't get visited by the ghost of Christmaas past, present, and future tonight because if they do stop by, they're going to find me heavily sedated on codeine.

Ho Ho Ho

xoxo

Not Disconnected Anymore

Wow, it's amazing how fast I found my mojo again.

How many people are familiar with Jonathan Swift, he wrote an amazing satirical essay back in 1729 called, "A Modest Proposal", where Swift suggests in his essay that the impoverished Irish might ease their economic troubles by selling children as food for rich gentlemen and ladies. (Wikepedia)

The reason why I mention Jonathan Swift is because right now I'm watching an HBO Comedy Special called, "Out of England 2" , by English comedian Ricky Gervais and Ricky really reminds me of Jonathan Swift, probably because that's where his English humor orginates from. I have to admit, after watching Gervais for the first 20 minutes of his show, he's been able to tackle some pretty controversial topics and still be very well received from what appears to be a non politically correct white audience.

Holy shit, are you kidding me? This comedy taping was filmed in Chicago, Illinois., the same venue where America's Got Talent was taped last year. And if anyone knows the AGT crowd, it's me. The AGT audience is comprised of the most boring, repressed, sour, Brady Bunch, flakey white people ever to gather in the same place at once. So it's amazing to me how a totally different crowd of tolerant white people can fill up the same theater for such an amazing comedian. I really hope this audience is a different crowd otherwise the level of hypocrisy would be ridiculous.

If the nice kind white people of the midwest can tolerate Ricky Gervais and his nail biting humor than the nice kind white people of the midwest can certainly tolerate my faggoty ass dick jokes too.

I changed my mind. I'm going to write the best gay dick jokes in the world!

Thanks for the wake up call Ricky!

xoxo

p.s and big props to Julie for your nice comment on my previous blog, I didn't see it until after I finished writing this blog and you're right. xoxo


Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Disconnected

Just got settled in.

I was at the New Parish in Oakland tonight for there, "Be Funny Open Mic" , and I was just not feeling it. I even had to stop myself in the middle of my set and talk about this really weird disconnect that I was feeling with the audience.

I'm pretty sure tonight's incident was all in my head. I'm at this really weird point in stand up comedy career where I still love doing it but at the same time I'm not enjoying it. Probably because it's not all challenging as it was from when I first started. Also, I did a lot of gay jokes tonight and while I was waiting for my bus home, it just made me feel all disgusted thinking about all the gay jokes I did like there ain't shit else about me other than gay gay gay.. gay gay ...

So tonight I made a conscience decision not to write anymore gay jokes. Maybe the future of comedy really is in the observational and shared human experience, I don't know? But one thing is for sure, I can't keep doing these gay jokes because it's hurting my soul.

So for now, this mean's I'm going to have to give up my Margaret Cho timing and start studying the Ellen Degeneres, Paula Poundstone, and Jerry Sienfelf stand up DVD's.

I know I can be super funny being clean and observational, I've just never given it a chance because well.. frankley it's fucking boring.

And since I am a man of the people, it's their will that I will cater too. And if the general public doesn't respond well to my new efforts, then fuck it, I'll go back to telling my gay dick jokes but not without giving it a sincere effort to move forward and evolve.

xoxo

Monday, December 20, 2010

Just can't win

Okay, so this past weekend we decided to order Domino's pizza latenight and got screwed.

To make a long story short, when the pizza finally arrived, it was cold and they forgot to bring the side of jalepeno's.

It wouldn't have been such a big deal if they hadn't messed up our order before so I decided to leave an email with their corporate office. Why, mostly because of their lousy customer service but mainly because I wanted to see if I could get a free pizza out've it.

Domino's headquarters emailed me back right away and apologized. The local store manager even called to apologize and to offer a free pizza with the Chocoalate Lava Cakes I ordered that same night.

So tonight, I decided to use the our free coupon and wouldn't you know it, our pizza arrived burned and they forgot the Chocoalate Lava Cakes. The driver said he'd back in 20 minutes to drop off the Lava Cakes. So one hour passes and I had to call the store to remind the driver to comeback. Now mind you guys, we had the same delivery guy both times and we tipped him each time so we expected some kind've good service from him.

Alas, the Domino's driver finally came back with my Chocoalate Lava Cakes and there was one missing.

Fuck you Domino's, this ain't over.

Charlie Ballard LIVE! Trailer

Hey guys, check out the trailor to my first stand up comedy DVD - "Charlie Ballard Live" !!

xoxo


Merry Christmas Everybody!

Hey world, thanks again for stopping by to ready my blog from time to time. I'd like to wish each and everyone of you a safe and happy holidays with your family and friends!

Stay warm!

xoxo

Sunday, December 19, 2010

BLACK SWAN

I just came back from watching Black Swan and Natalie Portman gives the best performance of her career. What "Dreamgirls" did for Jennifer Hudson is what Black Swan is going to do for Natalie Portman. Well not exactly but you guys get the point.

I cried at the end of the movie, it was that good. Without giving away too much from the movie, Natalie's character basically goes threw a series of events to capture the beauty and passion of the Black Swan.

Natalie will probably get Best Actress at this year's Oscars. I also pick this movie to win Best Picture too. You heard it here it first.

If you haven't seen this movie, go see it. It's worth the admission alone.

One word of caution, this is a really artsy fartsy movie, if you're not into depth, high art, or cinematic chic, then go see Tron.


Saturday, December 18, 2010

Simon Rex

This blog is dedicated to my friend Amy in Michigan. Amy left a comment on my facebook page saying, "I am not looking at anymore unobtainable cute guys" ! Bless your soul Amy because I'm here to tell you and the rest of the world that those men we're deeply attracted to are attainable.

Case in point, when I was a young thing, I use to have an incredible crush on MTV VJ - Simon Rex. I would watch his show and think there was no way in the world I could ever end up with a guy like that.




And then his xxx rated jack off solo's began to surface and then I was like, " of fuck, I did havd a chance" !

As it turned out, me and Simon have more in common than most people think. We're both the same age and both from the Bay Area. He graduated from Alameda High School which is right across the road from Oakland.

Now a days Simon can be seen touring the country with his garage band. He currently lives in L.A. and comes up to the Bay Area frequently. He once even stopped in my restuarant for a couple of margarita's. And how did I handle that scenerio some of you might be asking yourselves.

What did I do? Let's do a quick quiz to see how well my blog readers know me. Did I:

A) Make a fool of myself by jumping up and down screaming, "OMG, you're Simon Rex, can I take a picture with you" !

B) Go immediately to the men's bathroom and leave my phone # on top of the urinals for him to see.

c) Come to my senses and thought to myself, "what was I thinking" ?

Answer: C

I'm good. Have a happy life Mr. Rex.

xoxo

Candice Crawford

Hey guys, I'm trying this new thing to draw in more blog readers. So I came up with this idea to blog about current trends according to yahoo.com

So for the life of me, when Candice Crawford's name popped up, I couldn't figure out who she is? I did a Wikipedia search on her and so far she's pretty normal, no drama, no scandels, just some all american white girl who use to be a former Miss Missouri.

She must've done something really fabulous to make her way on today's top 10 current trends and I think I figured out what she did to get some buzz about her.



Candice recently got engaged to Dallas Cowboys QB - Tony Romo.

That is so sweet and as a sign of his love for Candice, Tony is going to get a tatoo of her name on his neck, just cute. I hope they stay together forever because if not, I hear those neck tat's are painful to take off.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Blues Traveler - Run-Around

I don't know why but I'm really loving this song right now!

The music video to this song is great, basically it's about a band whose being fronted by a prettier non talented rock band. It's kind've fucked up if you think about it but that's Hollywood for you. It's not bad enough you have to be super talented to make it in this business but you also have to be easy on the eye as too, whatever.

I get really good vibes from the lead singer John Popper. Here's a really nice comment from one of his fan's on youtube:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I saw the lead singer John Popper at a gas station in Hollywood when this song was out. This homeless man went up to him and asked us if we could spare some change for food. Popper reached into his car and gave the guy his food he had just purchased. It was a cool thing to do.

I asked John, "Hey aren't you that leader singer from Blues Traveler?" He was very popular at the time.

He responded, "No. But I get that all the time".
I knew it was him though, he's very distinguishable.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Happy Holidays Everyone!


Elder Spirits

It feels good not to be in a slutty mood. Yesterday when I wrote my Real Gay Dating Advice Blog, I was in a pissy mood. It seems like that's how I've been able to be deal with my stress lately, whenever someone pisses me off I always seem to end up writing about dick.

My soul hurts, it needs nourishment. Lately I've been getting it from the Dalai Lama. He's such a fascinating man. I hold to my every breathe when that man speaks. You guys don't even know the high esteem I hold the Dalai in. I try not to hold him in too high regard because after all, he's only human and nobodies that perfect. I'm sure there's been instances where he's met somebody pig headed and said to himself, "what a putz" . I love the positivety the Dalai exudes. I would imagine being around him is like being around the comfort of an old friend.

It would absolutely kill me if I ever get the chance to meet the Dalai Lama, we have lunch, and then out've nowhere he's high fives me and says, "You go sister girl" , because that would just seem out've character for him, but I'm sure he was like that, I'd find a way to deal with it like most things in life, it's good to live and let live.

The Dalai Lama makes me think of the traditional Native elders I've met in my life.

The first lady to impact my life was Betty Cooper. She's a Blackfeet elder from Montana. Back in the 1980's the Indian Summer Youth program use to take us camping and she was one of our counselors. What I remember most about Betty is her kindness and compassion. There was a time when this kid said he "lost" his walkman and Betty said she'd replace it for him. I had to be only 10 years old and I knew he was lying. I looked at Betty's face and I knew she could tell he was lying too. So rather than call him out about it, she went and bought him a new walkman without any questions. That's why I love that lady, she has a big heart.

The second lady to impact my life was in college, oh golly, I don't even remember her name, I just remember she ran the first sweatlodge I ever participated in. I was walking my friend Liz back to our dorm and she suggested that I attend a sweatlodge ceremony with her that evening. I wasn't doing anything else that evening so I thought why not. I mainly went bebecause I took that as a sign it was time to clean up my life. I was trying to quit drinking and was having a difficult time walking away from it.

This past November me and my mom went back to Michigan for a family re-union. While we were back there, the Saginaw Chippewa Tribe sponsored a tribal health and wellness seminar in conjunction with there Fall Feast. During one of the sessions, we attended with Water lecture with Pumpkin and that's when I had another one of those moments when you know you're supposed to be at a certain place talking to certain people.

I once asked Betty's daughter Theda how someone so pitiful such as myself could have made it through life and she said our spirits are looked over by a counsel. So the way I understand it, we have elder spirits watching over us, protecting us, helping us, and guiding us to making sure we don't lose our way.

So to the Creator and the guiding elder spirits, Me-Gwetch *Thank You* ! My pitiful soul could not have made it this far without you guys. Me-Gwetch!

I know the Creator has a plan for me because that's how I ended up in comedy.

Sometimes I know when the elder spirits gather because I can feel them talking about me. I can hear them saying, "is he still talking about dick" ?

xoxo

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Real Advice for Gay Dating

This blog is inspired by some gay dickhead on twitter who thinks he's Dr. Ruth. Well you know what, I got 20 years experience first hand on butt fucking so here are my 2 cents on the matter.

Real Advice for Gay Dating:

1) Never Swallow

2) Trying to fast the weekend before your big date will not make you look skinny in your jeans.

3) Let him pay for dinner, movies, concert and everything else, that way if you decide not to put out, you just saved 100$.

4) Breath mints go a long way.

5) First impressions are important, don't be a dick, asshole or a bitch not unless you're trying to ruin the date.

6) It's not okay to ask if your date be tested for HIV before hand.

7) Crystal Meth and alcohol do not mix.

8) If his dick looks big, then it's probably going to hurt. Never take a big dick up the ass unless you know what you're doing, if you don't know how, refer to my other blog - How to Make Love like a Gay Man

9) Men on the dow low are non-committive

10) Every Gay man should try pussy atleast once in his life.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Austin Young

Lately I've been shoppping around for a really good photographer. I have the feeling that I'm going to be paying out the ass to work with somebody good. For now Austin Young pops into my head, he's a celebrity photographer but more than that, he's really good with color and themes. Here are some of my favorite photographs from his website:

www.austinyoung.com

The fabulous Margaret Cho



Peach Christ - SF Drag Personality



Elvira - Mistress of the Dark

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Dancing with the Stars

This blog is inspired by Brook Billings, a professional volleyball player with a really catchy name, he's cute too.

www.brookbillings.blogspot.com

Anyhoo, I was reading his blog and he did a list of who he wants to see on the American television show Dancing With the Stars, so after reading it, I decided to come up with my own list, so here it goes.

My first pick is International Gay Porn Star Michael Lucas for obvious reasons, if DWTS can put that French guy who is only famous for showing cock on Sex in the City, than DWTS can certainly put this guy on it's first Gay Porn Star. Trust me, when Michael leaves his clothes on, it leaves much to the imagination, uhmmm sexy.



My second choice is Novak Djokovic because the dude is a total show off. Novak is a professional tennis player whose never really won any big tennis tournaments, he's like the Anna Kournikova of men's tennis but still, he's pretty to look at.



Okay, this one is kind've a stretch from the first two but don't get me wrong, I have nothing but love and respect the Dalai Lama. And besides I think this would be a fun thing for the Dali to do, after all, I'm sure he could use a break from all the worries and burdens in the world.



Who remember Tiffany Pollard from "I Love New York" on VH1 ?? Tiffany is one of the fiercest Black chicks ever to grace reality television. Tiffany is big fun and plus I made this decision to include her based off her big knockers, not for me, but for all the straight male viewers who like tuning in to see titty's bounce.



Oh goodness, I am in love with Australian hair stylist Tabitha Coffey's reality tv show on the Bravo network - Tabitha's Salon Makeover. Tabitha Coffey is a no nonsense salon extradinaire and I'd love to see her loosen up. She's also an out lesbian so I hope they pair her up with a woman.



I love Robin Thicke and his music. His last album just about made me wet my panies everytime I listened to it.



And lastly, I have to include my #1 BFF in the world - Juiceley! Here she is modeling her mink coat in my kitchen. What makes Juiceley a celebrity is her socialite expertise. This girl can charm anyone with her hazel contacts and airplane dance moves.




xoxo

Monday, December 13, 2010

Thank You !!

Hey guys, I just received this nice comment from a facebook friend and wanted to share it with the world.

I'm not gonna lie, trying to be a working stand up comedian is a tough business and somedays it can become a little frustrating but there are days when it's totally worth all the blood, sweat, & tears I put into the comedy machine.

Here's a nice note from, [][][][][][][] <---- Serioulsy, that's his handle

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hiya Charlie. Hopw you're doin swell. Dig the profile pic. Always watch ur statuses and laugh...it's particularly funny when I'm in the breakroom at work and check ur status and read something not so work-friendly and everyone wants to know what the laughing is about...if only they knew. Ur one funny guy. Thanks for being funny. Have a blessed Holiday sir!




-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No, Thank You!

xoxo

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Cheetah Eyes

I love this picture because of the face painting. This photo is from the Collision Art Show last week at the Metreon. My friend Rachel Levine hooked me up with some of her facial art, I absolutely love it because it looks tribal.

Hopefully Rachel wil be doing my body artwork in the coming months. I'll be doing some new portrait shots pretty soon.

I can't wait, she's really good!

Here's her website:

www.make-upyourmind.net

xoxo

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Go Bears

Alright, I just got through watching volleyball all day on ESPNU and CAL made it to the Women's Volleyball Final Four in Kansas City, MO., next week.

First, congrats to them!

Secondly, I wish I could go but there's no way because the airfare is too expensive right now. I've been to most of the CAL's home games all season and it would be tremendous if I could go but since I'm broke and in debt, I guess I'll just have to watch it on ESPN2 this upcoming Thursday.

Seriously, I just got out've debt last month and now I'm in debt again. WTF?

Oh well.

They play USC who kicked their ass both times in conference play. Here's my pick. I"m going to pick CAL over USC. I'm also picking Penn State over Texas in the other semi-final. And for the final, I pick CAL to go all the way! Go Bears and good luck!

Okay I Am Lame

You must read my previous blog to get this one!

Whoever said you can't everything you want in life doesn't have photoshop!

xoxo

Fuck SXSW

Well not really because I've actually heard pretty good things about SXSW. For those of you who don't know or never heard of SXSW, South by Southwest is a Music and Film Festival in Austin, Texas.

That's all I know really. Here's the website for more info:
www.sxsw.com

Anyhoo, the major reason why I was anti over SXSW was because last year they did a comedy show with Margaret Cho and Margaret posted a group picture with all the other participating comedians in the festival. Here's the photo I'm talking about:



This group shot made me feel insanely jealous because I know in my heart I belonged in this photo as a participating comedian.

I know what you guys are thinking, why didn't I just cut out a my head and paste it on that picture? I'm lame but I'm not that lame.

I know this blog probably won't speak well of me but I don't care, that's how I really felt this past year and this time around I'm not going to supressing those feelings.

So anyhoo. This past week I was asked to perform in an art show called Collision with other various artist and here's the photo from that!



As you guys can see, I totally found my crowd of eclectic performers like the little bee girl in the Blind Melon music video and no longer feel the need to be pictured with Margaret Cho or any other fuckin comedian to make myself feel validated.

When I took this picture, originally I was trying to get everyone to flip the camera off but felt that would've been a bit much.

Anyhoo, I feel tons better!

xoxo

Friday, December 10, 2010

Gavin Rossdale - Landslide

This guy was somehow found his way into my attention a few years back. For those of you who don't know who Gavin Rossdale is, he's currently married and has kids with Gwen Stefani. Gavin was also the lead singer of Bush before they disbanded.

Some of you might remember Gavin from the movie: Constantine, where he played Balthazar. I think that was about the time when I thought he was cute. There's just something sexy about effeminate British men.

And can you guys believe this, he's like 45 years old and looks amazing. I could've swore we were the same age, not unless I look great for a 40's something too!

Now for some juice, according to Boy George, Gavin used to bat for my team. Boy George claimed in his book that Gavin use to date British singer Peter Robinson aka Marilyn. And the reason why Gavin didn't fess up to this relationship was because he was crossing over into the American mainstream media.

If Gavin use to bat for my team, that's fine. If he didn't, that's fine too.
I don't really care because I think his life's work is more noteworthy than who he use to bang.

The reason why I decided to blog about Gavin is because you can tell he's really passionate about his art and you can really see a glimpse of that in this Stevie Nicks cover of Landslide. So kudos to Gavin!

xoxo


Celebrity Sighting

As I was saying, yesterday was fabulous! After watching the Doobie Brothers concert I went to the Stud to get some stage time in.

As much I try to keep myself seperated from other comedians, I have to admit, I do enjoy their company. It's like we're all a bunch of lost souls looking for something but can't seem to find it. And yet, the comedans from SF are the most talented and dedicated bunch of individuals I know. I'm sure I was still a big drunkard or big dope head I probably get along better with them but since I don't partake in that life anymore, I guess it makes me all business.

So afterwards I went to the Castro to chill out. I don't know why, I was still stinky from work and had to be fuming ass. The first place I stopped in was Badlands. Badlands is the neighborhood gay disco bar in the Castro. I wasn't planning on dancing but when I heard Rihanna's - Pon De Replay, I had to hit the dancefloor. If anyone knows hows to rock a funnky island reggae song, it's Rihanna.




I didn't last at Badlands for too long, so I decided to hit up the Qbar up the street. Local draqueen Juanita More hosts a trendy dance party there everyweek called "Booty" , and when I say it's trendy, I mean trendy. It's totally a hang out for club kids, gay hipsters, and their admirers. The music is usually a mix of deep house, techno, and disco.

Again I was gonna break out because I wasn't feeling it but when Juanita played this super smooth house song with a killer beat, I had to stay. So when I was jamming, guess who dancing right next to me - Mondo Guerra, runner up from this past season's Project Runway. I had to say hello and tell Mondo that I loved his work. And oh, wouldn't you know it, Miss Mondo gave me a little kiss on each cheek. That was so sweet and gracious of her. That really topped off my night.



Alright guys, love, life, happiness, and fashion!

xoxo

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Maiden Name Game

LAST NAME GAME
Please don't spoil it for others!
Rules: It's harder than it looks! Hit forward, erase my answers, enter yours and send it on to 10 people, including me. Use the 1st. letter of your Maiden name (for you guys...just use your last name) to answer each of the following questions. They have to be real places, names, things, nothing made up. Use different answers than the person in front of you.

1. What is your maiden name - Ballard

2. An animal - Beaver

3. A boy’s name - Bobby

4. A girl’s name - Billie

5. An occupation - Business Analyist

6. A color - Blue

7. Something you wear - Belt

8. A beverage - Beer

9. A food - Burrito

10. Something found in the bathroom - Bath

11. A place - Belize

12. A reason for being late - Bus

13. Something you shout - Be-yotch!


The hardest part is finding 10 people that will play with you! Please remember to send it back to me!

Hey all you Be-yotches, list your name game below in my comment box!

xox

What a fool believes

More from the Doobie Brothers! This is from when Micheal McDonald was the lead vocal. I don't know why their band split, but dang, these guys played some good music together.

Enjoy!

xoxo


Listen To The Music

Yesterday I had a incredible day. I stayed SF to watch the movie, "I Love You Phillip Morris" and then as I was about to head home, I convinced myself to stay for some open mics in the city. So to kill time I went to the Apple Store to check my email. When I finished blogging on one of their Mac's, I looked up and saw this huge line to wrapping around the room.

I didn't think anything of it, I just thought there was sale or something going on. So when I leaving the Apple store I asked a guy in line what they were standing for and he said, "we're waiting to see a free concert by the Doobie Brothers upstairs" . Wow, really?

And then right as I looked at the line, I saw some familiar knuckle heads from the comedy community and was like, "hey, can I jump in line with you guys" .

The Doobie Brothers have been around for a long time. I first time I saw them was on this really cute Black family sitcom in the 70's called "What Happening" . So anyhoo, in that episode, the crew attends a Doobie Brothers concert and Rerun illegally trys to record their concert on a tape player tucked away on his belt. He gets busted because when his big ass starts jumping up and down, the tape recorder falls out've his belt. What a dummy. Growing up as a little kid, the lessoned I learned from this episode was not to jump and down if I'm trying to record a show otherwise that shit will fall out.

The Doobie Brothers played a 30 minute set upstairs and they were pretty good too. They played their classics and some new tunes as well. Here's one of their big hits they're known for:



Wednesday, December 8, 2010

I Love You Phillip Morris

I just saw this movie today and it was absolutely one of the best gay romance movies I've ever seen.

This modern day love tale is eccentric, original, and definitely gives audience an idea of what it feels like to endure an emotional and turbulent relationship between two committed gay lovers.

My only drawback to this movie is that the gay sex scenes with Jim Carey were.... well... like an a typical Jim Carey character. If there are any hardcore nerds out there who want to see Obi One Kanobi give Ace Ventura an Oscar worthy rim job, then this is your flick.

I doubt Jim Carey will get nominated for any acting awards for "I Love You Phillip Morris" , but this one will definitely go down in the great cult classics.

xoxo



Self Portrait

This self portrait piece is called - Graffiti

Native Diversity 2010

Hey everyone, my Native actor friend - Roscoe Pond from L.A. put this video collage of working Native Actors/Actresses in Hollywood films! Hope to see more of them in the future!

xoxo


Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Fortune Cookie

I love fortune cookies because not only are they stuffed with little bundles of inspiration but also they're delicious.

My old friend Leona unwrapped a fortune cookie today and here's what it said:

"If you want the rainbow, you must put up with the rain" .

Here's how she interpreted: "because nothing good ever comes easy, you gotta get through bad to get the good. xoxoxo "

Thanks Leona, you gave me that little pick me up I needed.


Eartha Kitt - Santa Baby

I can't believe I performed to this song in drag! Actually I can believe it because Eartha Kitt is all that and a bag of chips.

xoox


Monday, December 6, 2010

Des’ree – I’m kissing you

I love this song to death. It reminds me of all my failed attempts at love.


Sunday, December 5, 2010

Levi Johnston

I hate reading anything about Sarah or Briston Palin. So, the next best thing associated with them is Levi Johnston. For those of you who don't know, Levi is Bristol's baby daddy. Obviously Levi wasn't good enough for the Palin clan which is probably why Sarah kicked his ass to the curb. And I'm almost certain that's why Levi posed for Playgirl, just to piss that bitch off. And when I mean bitch, I mean Sarah Palin. So here are some of Levi's photo's from his Playgirl spread, enjoy!




I like this one alot, it's alluring but not slutty.



This one is good, it's seductive and suggestive.




This one is alright, it doesn't say much other than, "pay me already" .




This is such a guy pose.



You do have to admit, he's got some nice buns!



This is the full image from the top pic, not bad.



I like his eyes in this one.




All in all this is good photo spread for Levi, none of the pics really cross that line into raunch.



I'm not really sure I like this because it's not sexy. I figure if you're going to show your mid-drift, then show it.



As you guys can see, I like to work backwards. Here's Levi with his clothes on. It's no wonder he was approached to do a Playgirl, he does have the All American boy next door look.

Cho Dependent


Just got home and had a fabulous day!

Earlier I went to Berkeley to watch the CAL Women's Volleyball team play for a spot in the Sweet Sixteen National Volleyball Tournament and without any disappointment, they advanced in straight sets.

I use to be an avid player and volleyball coach and even though I'm retired from the sport my heart still belongs to the game.

Afterwards I was like, "well now what, oh yeah Margaret Cho is in town, I should go check her out" ! I missed her opener because I missed my BART train and I had to wait another 20 minutes for the next one to SF, so I'm sure you guys could imagine how restless and pissed I was for not catching her show in it's entirety.

When I walked out've the Powell Street BART station, I realized that I didn't have any cash to catch a cab. Okay, that's not true. I actually knew I didn't have any cash when I left Berkeley. So for the whole train ride over to the city, I kept having to pump myself up because I knew I was going to have to walk up the hill to the Nob Hill Masonic Center. Thanks Margaret for having your show on the one of the highest hill peaks in San Francisco. For anyone reading this blog thinking to yourself it's really my fault for not having any cash for a cab and missing my BART train, fuck you.

The walk up Mason Street to the Nob Hill Masonic Center was no joke. By the time I got to the top I was like, "fuck you Margaret Cho, I hate you and every god damned hill in this city.. aaahhhhhh " !!! But honestly, that was probably the best excercise I've had in a while so I really shouldn't be complaining.

For someone buying a ticket at the last minute, I actually got a pretty good seat. Yesterday I was trying to win free tickets threw her twitter page giveaway but to no avail, my ass had to pay. Her SF ticket giveaway winner was this grimicey looking butch dyke. As you guys can see, I'm still not bitter for winning those tickets. And since I felt extra entitled for having to pay, as soon as I sat down inside the theater I was like, "Bitch, you better make laugh or I will cut you" .

This performance had to be one of the best shows I've ever seen Margaret give. Her writing and material for this show was so spot on. It's weird because when I was in Michigan last month, this Native plant lady was saying how we could use Olive Oil to clean out our system and wouldn't you know it, Olive Oil was one of MC's opening bits.

Margaret also managed to sing a couple songs from her Grammy nominated comedy album - Cho Dependent. She sang this one, it's a country ballad called, "I'm Sorry" , and it's about a former love who turned out to be a murderer. It's actually a very dark and gruesome song and when she was singing it I was like, "oh look at her, she think she Loretta Lynn" !



I loved everything about Margaret's comedy concert tonight. My favorite part of the show was when it was over because if anyone's ever been to a Margaret Cho concert, they will tell you there's some heavy gay cruising right after the show and that's mostly because Margaret draws a heavy gay male crowd. Seriously, I kept thinking to myself, "hurry up girl, get the fuck off the stage, you're cutting into my dick time" , just kidding.

xoxo

for more info and her current tour schedule:
www.margaretcho.com

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Mama Grizzley

Hey ya'll, you guys have to watch this hilariious sketch video by one of my comedy friends - Heather Isaacs Royce !! It's freakin funny!!



Play that Funky Music

And oh yes, it was funky.

Tonight after watching comedian Ricky Luna do his thang at the IL Pirata, he convinced us to tag a long with him to a house party which unexpectedly wasn't a house part at all, it turned out to be the Theater Rhino in the Mission District. It was Gay Hipster Disco night at the Rhino! I cannot ever remember having such a good time.

I guess whoever rented out that space turned it into a mini disco in the basement, it was so cute. Usually people hold plays, one man shows, and musicals at the Rhino.

We almost got some straight boys to tag along with us but as soon as I said, "when we get there if anyone trys to grab your cock, just say you're not interested" , I was only bullshitting but you guys all know how straight boys get when they're objectified. I was kind've glad they didn't go, they probably would've brought everyone down with their plain-dom. Seriously, the crowd was super chic and trendy. Thank god I wore my neck scarf tonight otherwise I would've totally felt out've place.

So anyhoo, I really loved the Gay dance club, everybody who was there was either gay or gay affiliated - boy trannies, girl trannies, hags, dykes, fems, little gay mexican boys *Ricky Luna and company* and the list goes on.

The music was delish, they played Hip Hop, House, Trance, Techno Funk, and some funky bizaare shit I've never heard of. It was cool though because everybody in the house was definitely vibing!

The one thing that I really liked about the club, they gave us membership cards to their next dance party. Isn't that just the cutest? I'm totally saving mine for keepsakes of course. Oh gawd, the last time I had a membership card was at the Parkway Theater in Oakland when we use to live near the Lake.

I had a great time tonight! I haven't danced like that in a long time!

xoxo

Friday, December 3, 2010

Fight Child Abuse

PLEASE PLEASE change your Facebook profile picture to a cartoon from your childhood. The goal is to not see a single human face on here until monday december 6th. Join the fight against child abuse! Change your pic, then copy and paste this as your status. Spread the word!

My Favorite Tweets

Hey ya'll, here are some of my favorite tweets from this past week. I am on Facebook and Twitter so stop stalking me on my blogger and definitely check me out my latest updates and silly tweets on:

www.facebook.com/funnynative
www.twitter.com/charlieballard

So here they are in no particular order:

- got a mouth full of novacaine, you could put a dick in my mouth and I wouldn't know the difference

- Wow, the first celebrity to follow me on twitter is Dave Chappelle, now if he wasn't following 22,000 other people on Twitter I'd almost feel special.

- it's funny how sometimes in life you give people what they want and then you never hear from them again

- facebook is slowing taking away all the thoughts in my head

- is trying to think of something profound to say and the best I can come up with is: I think I left my cornbread in the oven for too long

- It's World AIDS Day! This epidemic has taken more 25 million lives worldwide, get tested and play safe! xoxo

- Gay men are the new big fat white chicks.

- Sometimes I forget how fragile we all are, be well to each other! xoxo

- There are some people that I intentionally don't want to be facebook friends with but yet I leave my profile open so they can see my status updates, pics, vids and what not. And yet that's still not good enough for them. I get a lot of satisfaction knowing their lazy assses have to look me up everytime rather than being on my facebook stream. : )

- I'd rather be alone than unhappy

- I'll never understand why some people on facebook privatize their profiles but then leave their cellphone #'s on their info page? To me, that says you're hard up, sorry.

- there's a gorgeous sunset going on in the Bay Area, right now, I can't see it, someone please take a pic and post it! xoxo

- feels like lowering my inhibitions tonight

- men communicate threw body language if they want sex, once he makes eye contact with you for more than 5 seconds, he yours

- Girls dream of being kissed in the rain. That's so true, when I was kid I use to wish Charlie Sheen would come over to my house from being drenched in the rain.

- How I became a bitch in this life, the hero line was full.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Butt crack

I use to hate on people who'd wear pants leavin their ass crack showin but actually it doesn't feel that bad


World AIDS Day

It's World AIDS Day! This epidemic has taken more 25 million lives worldwide, get tested and play safe! xoxo